May 18, 2011 (Facing a Scary Thing - God Answers)

Dear Diary,      May 18, 2011     (Facing a Scary Thing - God Answers)

What a great day it’s been. I was tired, but my brother and family and friends made it yet another day to remember, like everyday can be. Isn’t it neat that even the most crazy of days, when you literally jump out of bed and into the shower within a matter of seconds, can become a fantastic, resplendent day? Mine began a little hectic. If you didn’t guess already, I really did jump out of bed and into the shower this morning. I didn’t really get all of the schoolwork done that I had scheduled, but I’m not really behind so I’m not worried about it. It was just a chill morning. Well, at least it was in between running around trying to finish school and get ready to go somewhere.

(Facing A SCARY THING!!)

My friends this school year have been going to a speech class. At first I was like “A speech class??” I did not expect for them to like it. Well, shock, shock, they did. I thought about it a lot. See, my life, although while living it seems to be chockfull of activities, is basically redundant. (Not everyday is like today was…I’ll write about that in a minute :p) I wanted to commit to something that would challenge me. My brother’s Civil Air Patrol thing sounded a bit extreme and nothing better came to mind, so I began to consider this speech class. Talking to people one on one isn’t really hard for me unless I’m super tired and this strange thing happens to me where I suddenly CAN NOT SMILE and have to force this totally fake one. But anyway…I gave a speech once in my life and let me tell you, it did not encourage my decisions to try this speech class. It was awful. I got so nervous. Listening to those kids up there, my friend included, some of that nervousness faded away because I could tell I wasn’t the only one who was really nervous. Heck, I wasn’t even speaking and I had butterflies! Everyone was nice and normal, so I believe I’m going to like it.

This longing for something daredevilish to do has been there awhile. I’m not saying that joining a speech class is something people will drop their jaws at say “wow” but it is something daring, in a way. Anxiety is an issue with me, and public speaking makes me anxious and nervous, but I want to fight it, not give in to it. Another thing, speech class will help me with regular day to day talking as well. Pronunciations, getting my thoughts out of my mouth without messing them up. Happens to me every single day. And I hate saying “like” all the time!!

(Random, Amazing…OK I’m Going to Say It…Totally Cute Guy)

So I’m eating dinner outside by my friends’ pool, right? Suddenly, her mom comes hurrying out beckoning to us. “Come in here, you’ve got to see this.” We all rushed after her. Much to our surprise, there at their piano, hammering out an incredible melody, was this…bed mover guy. At first I was like “And why is the guy who delivered your bed playing the piano…?” But when I really checked him out (I did NOT mean it like that)…OK fine, when I really listened…and saw what he looked like…he was very good. His mom had to prompt him, but he ended up playing the Star Wars theme as well, which was equally amazing. As soon as he and his parents (they were the ones who owned this furniture business apparently) had gone, we jumped on YouTube and found his videos and his website. It would be cruel to not reveal who he is, so I’ll go ahead and do it. George Argel. When he’s all famous and everything, I will remember that he was right there in front of me playing Star Wars because I asked him to! How cool is that. Just another day hanging out with my friends.

(My Friends *smiley face*)

I’ll just touch up on this real quick since I need to be shoving off to bed. My friends are seriously awesome. All my really good friends are really close and they’re just…awesome. The way we all help each other, and talk about stuff that I used to think I would never communicate with another person outside my family. It’s just really cool. One family in particular we’ve grown so close to over the past two years. They are the neatest people, really. I thank God all the time that I’m so privileged to know them and be an official unofficial part of their family.

(God Answers)

One of the most amazing things about my friends is that my closest ones came into my life just when I needed them to. I was going through a seriously depressing time in my life around twelve years old. My older friends had trickled down and I didn’t see as much of them and making new friends was becoming increasingly harder (why does that happen when people get older?). My parents encouraged me to pray about it so, without any real expectations, I did. Wow, I never saw what was coming after that. Pretty soon, my mom lugged my bro and I out to this field day thing with a new home school group we had joined. We didn’t want to go simply because the letters P and E were involved and there had been some less than positive P.E. days in our past. It turned out to be pretty fun, however, and when the games were over I found myself standing on this hill watching little kids roll down and waiting for my mom to come back from the restroom. There was a girl, about my age, watching her brothers go down the hill a few feet away. I thought “What the heck, I’ll say hi.” So – I remember this so well – I said, “So, do you know what’s going on here?” That was all. We got to talking and we found out we both played softball. Within the next month we were both on the same team and now she is one of my best friends ever. Through her, I met my other two homies, and through that home school group, the same one my mom had to drag me into, I met several other incredible friends. God does work in mysterious ways. You can never tell when He’s going to complete change your life. Back in those days, I never would have guess that mine would be filled with so much joy and love and laughter as it is now. Sometimes you’ve got to just pray. God’s going to answer.

May 13, 2011 (Feeling Useless?)

Dear Diary,             May 13, 2011

(Feeling Useless?)

Today is Friday the thirteenth. Just thought that was interesting.

Ever have a day – or several, for that matter – when you just feel useless? I have. There are days when I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything important in life. That I play video games and watch TV too often when I should be doing things to actually further mankind. Like what, you may ask? I’m not really sure. Maybe that’s part of the problem. This goes back to what I talked about before…about not knowing what I want to do. If I had a goal then I probably wouldn’t feel so useless. Feeling useless doesn’t help your self-confidence, I’ll tell you that. To be honest, I struggle with self-confidence a lot. Actually lots of the issues I deal with (socializing with people I have little to nothing in common with, being with people you want to know better but don’t because…well you just don’t…why is that? OK different subject) come back to the whole self-confidence thing. It gets so bad sometimes that I question why people like me, and if they really do or if they’re just putting up with me. Because at the moment, I can’t seem to like myself. It’s pathetic, I know. But it’s how I feel. So I guess I am pathetic.

The only way to get self-confidence is to be confident in who I am. Now who am I? *sigh* I’m a sixteen-year old girl who loves to read, write, and have fun. Me in a nutshell. What I didn’t say, though, is that I’m an ultra-sinner who, when she’s not sinning in deed, is sinning in thought by either thinking wrong things or not thinking the things she should be…thinking. What I need is to find my self-worth in something greater than myself. That is God.

OK, I get that Jesus died for my sins. Now I’m asking, why? Why does He care that much about me? Jesus can die on the cross and give me life, but what can I really give Him? I don’t have anything that He doesn’t already have. Just choosing to bring Him into my heart…is that it? That’s pretty lame, if you ask me. “Oh yeah, sure, come and rescue me from damnation. Why not?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I doubt the existence of God or question the significance of Jesus’ sacrifice. What I am saying is that I don’t understand it. Is that frank enough?

Maybe it’s because I don’t really feel I’m doing what I was made to do. When things stop doing what they’re made to do, they’re broken, right? Well maybe when humans don’t do what they’re made to do, then they’re broken…or confused or whatever you want to call it. So what am I made for…? Let’s go back to Sunday School class. Catechism #1: Q: What is the chief end of man? A: To glorify God and enjoy Him forever. People are always searching for ways to make life easier and more pleasurable to them. iPods, GPS’s, laptops, email, cell phones, automatic things like garage and car doors. We justify these inventions by saying they’re “cool”, “convenient”, and/or “safer”. The truth? Life was just as “cool”, “convenient”, and/or “safe” before those inventions were around, people just dealt with it. If you’ll notice, mankind complains just as much in the 21^st century as they during the 40-year exile of the Israelites in Genesis. My point is hidden in all this. My point is that we need to look past ourselves. God gave us a gift, but we don’t need to focus on that part. What we need to focus on is…not really “paying back” God, but rather doing things to exalt Him. More like thanking Him. That’s right, we’re thanking God for His Son. Underline the “To glorify God” part instead of the “enjoy Him forever”. Don’t completely throw out the last part, that’s very important too. God wants us to be happy loving and thanking Him. Still, avert attention for yourself (and myself).

How do I give glory to God in an adequate manner? No act is big enough to warrant God’s attention. Ah, no act. 1 Samuel 16:7 says “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” When we’re doing things to bring Him glory what we sometimes fail to realize is that it isn’t the actual act that makes Him smile, it’s the heart behind it. That’s why there’s no act too small or too big that we can do for the Lord, so long as we have the right attitude. In summary, we can give God the glory He expects – and even demands – by giving Him of the wholest part of ourselves: our hearts.

At the end of the Gospel of Mark, Jesus straight up tells everyone what they should do. “Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.” (Mark 16:15) We should be out there in the world, preaching the good news to ALL creation! Not because it’s a nice thing to do, but because it’s what we were made to do and because it is what God commanded us. My mom always tells me that obedience is the best gift. So I want to give God the gift of my heart and my compliance.

I don’t know what God wants me to do with this heart of mine (or my obedience, for that matter), but I have to trust Him that the answer will be made known to me. On an episode of Adventures in Odyssey, one of the characters, Tom, said “Keep your eyes and ears open, and God will help you work it out.”

May 4, 2011 So...what do I do with my life? - I could do better

Today is my birthday. Yay! I'm officially 16 now, though for the past week or so I've pretty much considered myself 16 already. It's really strange to be...well, so old!

~

Dear Diary, May 4, 2011

(So...what do I do with my life?)

Now that I'm finishing up school people start asking what my plans for college and so forth are. Frankly, I don't have any! I'm just focusing on getting school done for the summer, and taking care of the other things I have to do. Where does time go, anyhow? It feels like I'm always doing something, and yet I can't think of what it is I'm doing! I want to do something substantial; you know, that will make a difference. Guess I'm still trying to figure out what that is. At times I think it's writing. I love writing stories - and have plenty of books "in progress" - but if I haven't finished any of them, then what good are they doing? A few of my closest friends have been granted the privilege of reading some of them but still...

Then people tell me I should do something with kids. I love kids! They're so funny and fun to play with. I'm not sure about babysitting as a career though. I have a hard time with discipline and that stuff. I rather just play and have a good time! Yeah, I know. Real responsible.
(I could do better)
There are so many things that I feel I don't do as well as I should. Like school, cleaning the house,  being a sister, a best friend. School I can get all fired up about but then when it gets really frustrating I go "What the heck!" and just breeze through it without a second glance - my friends tease me about my "I've done it, and it's done" attitude. That's not really a good thing most of the time because not checking means missed problems and thus a grade average drop. :( Why can't I just focus like a normal person, study as I am supposed to, and get a nice A+ like a good little student?

Cleaning the house...just like with school, I can get into it for a time. "Alright, I'm going to CLEAN THIS HOUSE!" then after a restless night's sleep and a grouchy good-morning from Brother Dear, I'm all, "Why do I have to be the one to do everything??"

OK as for the sister and friend part. I get really fed up sometimes, but then I also know that everyone has things about them that are annoying. Everyone is going to bug you at one time or another. I feel like such a mean person sometimes when he's not being mean and I still act like...well, a snob. That's pretty high up on my "Things-To-Constantly-Pray-About" list.

Friends...I get obsessed worrying about if I'm being a good friend. If I'm being to selfish, if I'm not listening or speaking up when I should. My friends (particularly my best ones, Jagi, Clark, Lilac, and so on) are awesome and they tell me I'm a good friend. Still...there are some things that you don't fully believe, even if everyone in the world tells you its true. You have to believe it yourself. A big part about that is self confidence, and God really has to help me with that 24/7

~

Thank you, all my amazing family and friends, for being soooo sweet and for loving me even though I mess up sometimes and may even act a little looney (most of the time that's just when I'm really tired though). Love you all!