A Kiss From God

Dear Diary, 29 December 2011

Such a dry year we have had. Today, the sight of our yard brimming with full, green grass brought such happiness to my heart! It is a reminder that the Lord always remembers even lowly little me in every faction of my life.


Especially Luke 12, so many places in the Bible that God implicitly says I am not forgotten.
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 
Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!"
Luke 12:25-31


Yes, I do have little faith. I worry all the time, about getting stuff done, about taking care of myself, about doing well in school. It's easy for me to pass up a chance to spend time with God. I mean quality time, too. Not a quick John 3:16 review, but real, personal sit-down-and-talk time. Mornings are best, or so I hear, for devotional time, but I prefer nighttime. In the morning, I'm so rushed to get the day rolling, I tend to skim through Bible-reading and the like. At night, on the other hand, I am much more at ease. Hours easily pass by as I pour over the Word. Such good secrets in there! I love Deuteronomy 29:29 ("The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.") and Ecclesiastes 3:11 ("He has made everything beautiful in its time. he has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.")


Not sure why, but hearing these little hints at the bigger picture, that God is so much greater and so much more amazing and majestic than we can possibly imagine, I feel safer. Knowing that I am placing my being in the most capable - in actuality, the only capable - hands.


Still, it requires a daily commitment to pursue a relationship with God, as *James 1:22-25 literates. "But seek first His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well-." (Luke 12:31). Putting myself completely at His mercy is relieving and not a burden. In *Matthew 11:28-29, Jesus bluntly says that our burdens aren't too much for Him. Just let it go! That's all I need to do, is let it go. Why is this so hard? Answer: Because I'm a sinner, always trying to do things on my own without asking for help. *sigh* Life isn't easy.


So maybe it isn't easy, but it sure is beautiful. I don't need an angel named Clarence to see that. Nature is teeming with exclamations of God's majesty! They're like kisses from God, coming right when we need them, to brighten up our day. When I can truly appreciate the little things that are so beautiful, then I know God is working in me, right then, at that very moment.

The rooftop is my sanctuary, this earring one of my favorites with its simple beauty.

*"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does."

James 1:22-25

Fog, thick and heavy, descends on my neighborhood like a blanket.

The sun embraces the green grass...oh, so pretty!

*"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

Why So Afraid?

Dear Diary, 28 December 2011

I decided having the subject as the date was dull, so now I will title each post in the subject line. So yeah.

I keep changing the name of my blog, too. I can't seem to find one that really fits...that is completely me and everything I am. The picture is also something I'm having difficulty with. Oh well. I'll figure it out.

Any readers out there, just beware that the name of this blog is prone to change at any moment. I'm still searching for that perfect title.

~

"And there were, in the same country, shepherds, keeping watch over their flocks by night."
I know this part of the story so well. An angel comes to them, and what's the first thing he says?
"Fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people."


He said "fear not". Before the angel opens his mouth, Luke 2:9 says, "...the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified."


Now why is that? Why when they saw the glory of the Lord did they fall prey to terror? They should have been filled with the great joy that the angels told about. It was supposed to be "to all people", after all.


But then, when I imagine seeing what they saw - the unfathomable, the stuff of dreams - I imagine myself trembling and falling to my knees. There is no standing up to the glory of the Lord. Those lowly shepherds tasted a fraction of God's glory, and they were struck with fear.


Why so afraid? Because, for the first time in their lives, they were face to face with something greater than themselves and, indeed, the whole world. Their sinful hearts were forced to accept that God is real and was involved in their lives. The mere thought strikes fear into the sinful heart.


Next, the angel says, "behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Savior who is Christ the Lord." Don't be afraid, the angel said, because you are saved. "You will find the Babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger."


Jesus came to the world a victorious Savior, but he entered in the lowly form of a defenseless infant. Why? Many reasons. I think one was so that he wouldn't strike fear into men's hearts like the magnificent glory of the angels. His was a quiet glory of far immeasurable beauty than even a confrontation with an angel. His was an unimposing demeanor: a presence mankind could understand. The sight of Him brought great joy (Matt 2:10) not terror.


That's how it should be. We should be in awful fear of God's glory, however, the joy that Christ brought to us through His birth should overshadow that fear. It should empower, not immobilize. It should bring overflowing joy and make us more ourselves than ever before.

14 December 2011

Dear Diary, 14 December 2011

(A Picture Tour)

It is beautiful here in Hot Springs, Arkansas.
Today, my family and I walked around, amid dreary and foggy weather, to the various shops and vintage buildings of the downtown area.

This is the Arlington Hotel. It burned down once, maybe twice, and was rebuilt more than one time. Inside, the hotel walls are covered with awful yellow paint and bordered in hospital white. The walls are eerily bare and the hotel doors an evergreen shade. Contrary to its degrading condition, the main rooms are actually quite nice. Near the lobby, a bar faces a sitting area where drinks are served to laughing customers as they chat below a dome-shaped ceiling. The ceiling is amazing. It climbs higher and higher to a dull point and decorated with gold trim. Who knows how many years of dust lie up there.

 I took these pictures today and added an old-fashioned effect to them.

I thought it added to the character of the building.

Looking at these pictures instigates intrigue and mystery.

This is the feeling I felt while touring.

This is the inside.

The bathroom: can't you just see a lady, engulfed in corsets and petticoats, powdering her nose in front of this grand mirror? Er, disregard the soap dispenser.

 This door serves as the entrance to some dime and penny shop now, but in its heyday, what was its purpose? The word “Hotel” was left out of the shot, but it hung just above the “Entrance”. Before even the hotel, whom did the door serve? Could be a young married couple residing above their shop. Possibly a home for young soldiers to reside during leave. 

  

When I look at these buildings, with their broken down windows, glass broken, rooms inside distorted by layers of filth, fascination draws me to explore. How many secrets are locked away inside those forgotten walls? How many dreams discarded until only they remember them? How many promises broken? How many mysteries left unsolved? How many romances shattered?

Oh, I just love the architecture of this one. The way it looms, sturdy and intimidating; jutting fearlessly into the sky. It is truly breathtaking.

Now this I did not photograph. Unfortunately. In fact, I don't think I was even born when this picture was taken. It is of the Pullman Hotel. I believe the bottom portion of the establishment now serves as the Gangster Museum. I thought it was classy: an excellent example of buildings way back when.

The most eerie, creepy, spine-tingling aspect of our entire trip thus far has been this. For the years we have been coming to this place, one house in particular has always drawn us with its…well, its creepiness. Our first night here, we went searching for this house and came to a lane of houses like it. They were all at least sixty or seventy years old, with peeling paint on the extended porches and elegant towers that sharpened to points.

But we were unprepared for this.

What kind of a caution sign is this?

13 December 2011 - You are Waiting for a Train

Dear Diary, 13 December 2011

Do you know what it is to be a lover? To be half of a whole?

No...

I'll tell you a riddle. You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you; but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where that train will take you?

Because you'll be together.

Is this what love is? To be incomplete? To be waiting for something of which you are uncertain? Something of which you can only dream and hope?

And pray.

I think it is.

Love is the emotion felt when experiencing a hint of perfection. How else can it be described? If someone has ever loved, she knows this to be true. Combining bliss and fear, joy and sorrow, hope and regret, it makes the half whole. 

But what is love without the other half?

It is nothing. Without the other half, love is mere fear, sorrow, regret; unending and eternal.

Without love, there is nothing good. Nothing of substance. Without love, the world is empty. Without love, nothing is worthwhile.

Apart from love, there is only hope. Someday, expecting, longing to be fulfilled.

In love, there are no limits. In love, life becomes more than a hope, it becomes a faith. A certainty. In love, everything is worthwhile.

Love always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres. Love never fails.

11 December 2011 - Holy Dissatisfied

(Holy Dissatisfied)

Dear Diary, 11 December 2011

The world is fickle. It does not know what it wants, even if it shouts from the rooftops a particular demand or obsession. Apple releases a new iPhone or iTouch every few months. You can buy one this month and it will be the hottest “must buy”, but in six months, that’s old news. Once the initial excitement has worn off, there is another, more desirable item just out of reach.

The entire modern world is living with its hands outstretched, stretching its fingers out as though being able to grasp the next thing will achieve happiness. Unfortunately, this is not the case. In my own life, I know this is true. For the longest time, I begged my parents to let me go to sleepovers. Years would go by when all I wanted was that. Finally, I was given the privilege. What did I do? Continue on with my life in sublime satisfaction? Indeed not. Next was ear-piercing. Begging and nagging ensued until finally that allowance was given me as well. Next makeup. I was given face makeup. Next driving. My friends had all received their driver’s permits, after all. Last week, I attained my own. Now what am I doing? Happily accepting driving lessons when I can with no other complaints or requests? I wish I could say that was true. Now, my things are 1) a second ear piercing and 2) the permission to where eye makeup.

So I fall into the trap too. One night, I confessed this dissatisfied tendency to my mother. “I always want something more,” I told her, feeling like a whiny little kid. “But that’s good, to a degree,” she told me. “if you don’t look forward to anything, you have nothing to motivate you.” True, wise mother!

As Christians, we are motivated by a theoretical “dangling carrot”, if you will. We press on for the goal ahead, which is Jesus and living with Him in perfection. My question is this: is there such thing as holy dissatisfaction? Sounds funny, and a contradiction. However, perhaps the two aren’t as different as they seem. Waiting builds character, but if waiting were easy, it would not build character. Hoping, wishing, wanting increases your (and when I say “you” I mean “me”, too) dependency, your faith, in God.  For Hebrews 11:1 says, “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

I think Barlowgirl provides a good
example of how a Christian should act
in this world.

Part of being a Christian is being dissatisfied with this life! The only thing is that changing our focus from God to earthly things produces the kind of worldly discontented state I talked about earlier. Constantly, I have to remind myself: Go to God, go to God, go to God. If I don’t go to God, I rely on myself to make decisions, which never ends well. Without going to God, I go to the world for my needs and wants. They can never fulfill them. Not with an iPad, not with a cute pair of jeans, not with some flashy boots, not with a new haircut. I shouldn’t be wholly discontented, but instead I should be holy dissatisfied.

“We can not change the world if we are looking and acting just like this world.”

-Lauren Barlow

21 November 2011 (I Hate Mondays)

Dear Diary, 21 November 2011

I hate Mondays.

They are the beginning of the end of the fun weekend. This is the day that we receive our responsibilities for the week. Now that I am older, it is my sole responsibility to complete all homework and turn in assignments before their expiration. This is just another unfortunate side effect of growing up.

Responsibility. When I was little, or littler, I used to imagine this word coming with the car keys. Now I only see another folder being added to the already daunting pile on my desk. It is not so much if I don’t do it, then I will be disappointing those counting on me. When I got a 56 on my physics test last week, I was more sorry because my science teacher was disappointed than anything.

It is so hard to get into the mode of doing schoolwork! For maximum results, I must be “immersed” into my work. Focusing and concentrating, I am able to retain the information. However, too much focus and concentration just stresses me out.  I think “this will never be over and I will not remember the things I need to”. What I need is incentive.

The promise of the weekend is always a good incentive. Something for me to look forward to every week when school is bearing down hard. However, the weekend is fleeting. Friday seems to stretch out forever in front of me, but in a moment it is over and Monday hits me hard yet again. So I need something more substantial; more changeless. Could God give me any comfort in this?

Titus is a book given to a guy – Paul’s friend – sent on all the tough jobs. Titus is the problem solver. The one you call in a crisis. Well, hand-in-hand with the task of sorting out the Cretian’s church status, Titus received instructions. These instructions contained a description of what God’s church should look like: who the leaders should be, what kind of backgrounds they should have, how their character should look. When added altogether, these instructions seem impossible to follow and even more impossible to enforce!

Finally, near the end of chapter 2, Paul gives the clincher. Here, he tells Titus why being “upright” is so important. Jesus gave himself for us to pay for our sins and wickedness so that we could be His own. We are His treasure! We are made in His image, bought at a price, watched-over continually, and loved with a fierce love*. We should try to do the best we can simply because we have been given so much! While we can’t earn His love, what we can do is carry out the jobs He has entrusted to us. This is the life He gave me. I’m going to do the best I can, and whether I eat or drink or do Pre-Cal or study History, I will do it all for the glory of God.

*(Genesis 1:27) So God created man in His own image.

(Ephesians 1:7-8) In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

(Joshua 1:9) Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go.

(1 John 4:10) This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

9 November 2011 (Where There's a Will, There's a Way, Part 1)

Dear Diary, 9 November 2011

Each time I type the date I am struck by how quickly time has progressed. Is it truly nearly Thanksgiving time? Subsequently, have I used these fleeting moments to their fullest potential?

A question on everyone's mind is this: what do I want out of life?
For me to answer this question from my heart, I believe it is to stay in line with God's will over my own subjugating one.
What is God's will? one might ask. I thought this was incredible complex and required a lot of biblical knowledge to grasp, but it is surprisingly simple. The Bible, in its entirety from front to back, is God's will! Every instruction, every piece of advice is brilliantly woven into a handbook of His plan.
My youth pastor pointed out Deuteronomy 29:29 in our discussion on God's will:

The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that were may follow all the words of this law.

The secret things are mysteries, quite probably, that are beyond our realm of understanding. However, His will, the way in which He would have us live our lives, is not kept in the shadows. It is in every passage of every chapter! It is inescapable, even outside of Bible reading, for the heavens and the trees and everything that lives and moves and has breath declares God's glory.

Particularly moving to me are Titus 3:1-2, Philippians 4:8, and Romans 12:2.

"...be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men."

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will."

3 November 2011

Dear Diary, 3 November 2011

Family is the greatest.
Friends may come and go, but family is the only constant. They're in your house, they're in your blood, they're in your business. Really, you cannot escape them.

Yeah, I fight with my brother, but generally we get along alright. It's so frustrating... most of the time when I get the most angry with him it's because I know he can do better! Sometimes I want to just knock him on the head and say, "Come on, bro, use your brain!"

But he is pretty great, I have to admit. Although I don't think he reads my blog regularly. When he acts like himself, I love to be around him. Unfortunately, he sometimes thinks it incredibly amusing to annoy me in every possible faction.

*sigh* When I'm feeling overloaded, or unnecessarily emotional, taking refuge in music always appeals to me. Yesterday, I bought "Get Through" by Mark Joseph. It is an uplifting song. I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and simply get lost in the music.

"Living in the summer is easy

And It's living in the winter that's hard

But we'll get through."

Get Through by Mark Joseph

26 October 2011 (Satisfy Me)

Dear Diary, 26 October 2011

Why do I always strive to be better than everybody else? Why can't my first thought be "Wow, it is so cool that she can do that!"? Instead, I am always comparing myself to others. In my mind, what one girl can do I am "probably better at" or what that guy is able to do I "could do it if I wanted to". What will it take for me to face up to the fact that I CAN'T??!!


Maybe, if I just let go and admit that yes, I am not the fittest, most attractive person in the world or no, I am physically unable to run three miles straight, perhaps then I could hone in on the attributes I do possess and sharpen those. It is according to my experience (with myself) that people always crave more. If I stopped wanting more, what would that look like?


Satisfaction. That is the word that I crave. Forever unreachable, that is the ideal every human being wants. The thing is though, for Christians, we have that satisfaction! We don't need to be searching for more because we've already got it! One verse my mom would nearly constantly recite to me when I was little (to the point of exhaustion) was Ephesians 4:23: "Be content with such things as you have for He Himself said I will never leave you nor forsake you." Jesus is here to not only clean up our messy sins but also to heal our hearts. To let us forgive ourselves.


Being a Christian is all about being satisfied with who we are in Christ! God made us in His image...He said "it is good". We are "fearfully and wonderfully made". And, thank God, it is not by our abilities that we get this merciful salvation. 1 Timothy bluntly says "we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it." 


We are commanded to "not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present [our] requests to God." (Philippians 4:6) By "Him all things were created" (Col. 1:16) and He will "satisfy the desire of all living things".


I don't need to look a certain way or be a certain thing...what I do need is Jesus to make me whole.

24 October 2011 (I Just Wanna Run)

Dear Diary, 24 October 2011 (I Just Wanna Run)

Today was one of those days where nothing really bad happened and yet I still felt like I carried the world on my shoulders, so to speak. An incident with my grandma did occur - she fell and got a cut on her head - but she is alright now. Aside from getting my school-load for the week, that's about it. Still...it seems like my whole life revolves around school. Actually, it does. My dad says that school is my "job" right now. It's not exactly hard, in and of itself - each subject, I can basically whiz through. Altogether, however, it just feels overwhelming.

My daily schedule is: wake up at 6, work out, do chores, make breakfast, start school, etc. On some days, the start school part is postponed due to other activities. I never feel completely relaxed! There is always something else I could, and should, do.

All I want to do is escape for awhile...find some island somewhere...watch a movie with a tub of ice cream...anything.

("I Just Wanna Run" by Downtown Fiction)

23 October 2011 (Growing Up)

Dear Diary, 23 October 2011


Today I got the opportunity to hang out with my family, something I have not done in a long while. It is easy to be swept up in the frenzy of school, household responsibilities, friends, church, and other activities so that I forget that spending time with family should be a priority.


My almost-seven-year old cousin had his birthday party today. Watching him and his sister and brother grow up has been...bitter-sweet. I remember when Vash was little and couldn't pronounce his "L's" for the life of him. I remember when Raye used to grasp onto my earlobe, her variant of thumb-sucking. I remember when Jack, the quiet one (or at least he used to be!) would sit silently in a chair, rocking back and forth while sucking his two middle fingers.


In another month, Raye will be ten-years old. She's already talking about getting a cell-phone and asking me advice about boyfriends (oh my gosh!!). Life has already begun to take its hold on her. Pretty soon, she'll be out making her own decisions and forming her own future. It's scary for me to think, because I love her so much. All that's standing between her and a life-long regret is one decision. 


That's why I'm always praying for them. In the end, God is the only one who will be able to help her - and the boys - get through life. I know that because it's true for me!! I pray that they will someday have a real relationship with Jesus, separate from the Bible stories about the big boat and the man-eating fish they've heard at Sunday School. A deep faith based on trust in the unseen. No, it's not easy. It's actually very hard to get passed the fact that God doesn't audibly speak as He did to Moses and Abraham. But He does still speak: through His Word and through our hearts.


But I'm not really worried. Raye may be a ten, but she is one of the most level-headed people I know. Plus, even if she doesn't understand quite how much, I know God is watching out her and He loves her more than I, her Daddy, her Mommy, or anyone ever could. For that, and for the three of them, I am extremely thankful.

20 October 2011 (Way Back in 2006/The Longest Post EVER!)

Dear Diary, 20 October 2011


It seems so foreign to put the "2011", although this year is almost over. In my mind, 2005 or 2006 were not so long ago. Things were very different back then...I was different, my family was different - the entire world was different.


In 2006...
George W. Bush was president. Blu-Ray was first introduced. The Great American Boycott occurred. "Cars" came out. Apparently, the battleship age ended.


These things all happened during that year...perhaps you were a part of one or all. What was I doing?


OK, this is going to sound very pathetic, but truthfully I was praying for a friend.


For a year or so, my life had been centered around family - not that that's a bad thing. I love my family. Still, it is nice to have a friend you can be really close to. Someone you can talk to during the day about stuff that's bringing  you doing, someone who can make you laugh when you've got so much stress on your shoulders that you have to fight to keep from crying. 

My pen-pal cousin encouraged me to pray about the things I wanted and to not give up. Being  Christian since before I can remember, praying for things was common. However, praying for something and really, really expecting results was not. In a way, it's kind of scary to do that. You are putting so much faith in God, investing your hopes in what you request of Him, that if He were to give you a "no" answer, the results could be dramatic. I wanted it so bad, though, that I decided to take that chance.


Two big things were high up on my prayer-list that year: horseback riding lessons and a friend.


The results were so amazing, I can hardly believe it looking back.


I remember the day clearly, even if the exact date escapes my memory. My mom had enrolled us in a new homeschool group. The three of us attended homeschool group get-togethers before, and usually they were either awkward or lots of fun, in which case we would become friends with someone only to never see them again. This time, however, Mommy was excited and revved as she sometimes got about certain things - actually, she still is like that, but I digress. Another factor which made my bro and I less than thrilled to attend this event solely lay in the issue of it being a P.E. Day. The two of us also shared a rather unflattering mental view of P.E. Days, based on past experiences.

P.E. Day is now Park Day...this is something we found at
Park Day yesterday

So we pulled up to the park...Collins Park. We got out and glanced around. New faces everywhere without a hint of recognition. Daunted, yes, but we proceeded. New social situations have never been, and quite possibly never will be, my stronghold. Nor Jacob's. Mommy, on the other hand, is a social butterfly even if she refuses to admit it. We were thrust - and I use the term literally (lol) - into the group and began playing games for the next couple of hours.


The first person I remember meeting was a boy wearing camo jeans - which I especially noticed due to my obsession with them at the time. He told us his name, but afterwards both Jacob and I forgot it, so we simply called him "the boy with the camo pants". Later, we learned his name was Mitch.

Lilac, Beeb, and me

The second meeting I recall happened after P.E. Mommy temporarily abandoned us for the restroom, leaving me alone amongst a throng of strangers...or partial strangers, I suppose I had met some people by this time. But anyway, I realized that I was being ridiculously anti-social, so I approached the first person I saw: a girl, about my age, wearing a blue shirt and basketball shorts similar to the ones I liked to wear. She was watching two boys - her brothers - roll down a hill. In fact, it came to my knowledge that everyone was rolling down this hill. People were everywhere, rolling around in the grass. At a loss for better words, I put on a confused smile and said, "Do you know what's going on here?" It was a pretty lame introduction and I forget what happened directly after that. All I remember is that the girl joined my softball team shortly after that and the two of us became the best of friends. Her name? Well, I will call her "Beeb".


This story has become very long, and probably boring to you. Apologies. You see, these events are incredibly important to me because without them, my life would be a great deal - to enormous degree - emptier. I shall attempt to hastily bring it all together.


Yes, I made one friend that day, perhaps even two. But through those two people, via a bible study group Beeb's mom organized, I was introduced to Beeb's best friend, whom I will call "Lilac", as well as a host of other people who are now very good friends. Our homeschool group grew both in body and in our hearts. Today, my mom is co-leader.


My friends are so amazing. That may sound like a corny statement - like I don't get out much or something - but it really is true. Through them, I have been able to grow as a person and as a Christian. The insecurities I faced during those past years faded because I knew I didn't have to be different in order to be liked.

Overall, my prayers in 2006 were answered...and God continues to answer it everyday of my life. I am reminded constantly through my friends that He does listen to me. He didn't leave me hanging when I needed something. My heart was empty, He filled it.


So yeah. That is one of the best experiences I can remember. There are others...one involving a fateful trip to the Downtown Aquarium...but I shall save it for another day.


One last thing: up above, I said I prayed for two things. The other being horseback riding lessons. Well... also through the homeschool group, the opportunity arose for me to finally take lessons! I rode for three years at the YMCA, fulfilling one of my life-long dreams.


God is pretty awesome.

17 October 2011 (The Temptation to Pretend)

Dear Diary, 17 October 2011

In this life, we will have troubles. But we are to take heart because God has overcome our troubles, and now we belong to Him. He has forgiven us for all our misdeeds and sins.

One sin that I often commit is that of neglect. I tend to neglect things all the time! Like this blog. If anyone is reading this, then I apologize for my forgetfulness and, I shall admit, my avoidance. Sometimes I feel under qualified or that I don’t have anything anyone will want to read about anyway. But that doesn’t matter. We aren’t called to follow Christ because it’s going to make us famous. We’re supposed to do it not just for others but for our own hearts as well. There may be nobody else who reads this entry except me, but the fulfillment that I get through doing it could be all God has planned for me in the first place. So I will commit myself, today – because it is a commitment I must make daily! – to being a faithful servant for the Lord, and, if He wants to today, let Him speak through me.

The Temptation to Pretend

This issue has come up a lot lately for me. Not just at church, in my life, in my friends’ lives, and in my family’s lives. The more and more I hear pastors and youth leaders talk about it, I see it more clearly. I am a total fraud! There is a wrongness about acting like somebody you’re not, and although I feel that wrongness at times, I dismiss it because I am so busy keeping up the façade. It’s hard to not try and act like other people so that they will notice you. Often, it even feels wrong to not try and conform so that others will befriend you or talk to you. Being alone seems like the worst option, but perhaps that is what you are supposed to be.

There are girls that I know who are godly young ladies; they love Jesus and each other, but still I feel this aura of pretend around them. Maybe it’s just the fact that I am so different from them that I feel like I have to be somebody else in order to be around them. Regardless, I constantly have to guard myself against that.

Being authentic in who you are is so freeing! Jesus died for me. He looked at my ugly sin and the fact that I constantly try to cover up who He has made me and He still loves me. That is truly amazing. If He could see the darkest side of my heart and still say “I will die for that girl”, then I am free no matter what anyone else thinks.

This doesn’t make the difficulties go away. I will still struggle, and fail, in this area. But another of the many promises God has given us is that when we blow it – even big time – He will be there to help us out. He has also given me some amazing friends, whom I love dearly, and who I know I can be myself around.

Vacation Chronicle: Part 7

(Vacation Chronicle: Part 7)

Dear Diary,                                                        18 July 2011

The three cities of Tri-Cities, Washington are Richland, Pasca, and Kennewick. The Tri-City Cable Bridge was one of the first cable bridges was one of the first cable bridges in the country. Washington wasn’t exactly as we imagined. Probably it was just the portion of it that we drove through, but all the scenery along the way to Portland was brown fields, with an occasional grape vineyard, orchard, or lumber farm. Enroute to Oregon yesterday, we pulled over (to get this live beetle untangled from the windshield wipers) right beside a cliff that hung over a railroad track...all beside the Columbia River! Jacob and I stepped over the already cut barbed wire to stand on the edge. My dad thought we were nutso and climbed back into the car while my mom said "Get back over here, you two," whilst she snapped pictures.

Today, as we toured Portland, Oregon and saw some very interesting (or downright wacky) things, we had a lot of fun with Aunt Sherrie and Uncle Jimmy. Some highlights of the day were the repelling window washer guy, the many hoboes, seeing Mt. Helen from a distance, and riding this car thing (like a monorail) up a mountain. But the absolute COOLEST part of the day, and possible the entire trip, was as Aunt Sherrie drove along and I spotted these yellow signs that said “Leverage” with black arrows pointing. That was then Aunt Sherrie decided to tell us that THEY FILMED LEVERAGE IN PORTLAND!! Ecstatic and bewildered, we urged her to follow the signs. We found the base parking lot, the cameras, lights, fans, wardrobe, and down at this marina we actually saw CHRISTIAN KANE (!!!!) filming a fight scene. It was the coolest thing ever. We took a bajillion pictures and I called Cindy and Jana, who were both thrilled about it and were really excited for me. Becca texted that she wanted my autograph just for being there.

Dear Diary,                                      20 July 2011

Yesterday we went up to Mt. Hood and saw SNOW! Oodles and oodles of snow!!! Jacob and I had a blast playing in it until I got too cold. Risking appearing a fuddy-duddy for not wanting to get sick, I opted for sitting by the window and drinking hot chocolate rather than get my already wet tennis shoes out in the snow. I made a little snow man before my fingers became all-too frozen. Jacob stuck with it, however, and proceeded to make his own pathetic portrayal of the three round layers, complete with pine cone eyes and tree branch hair. It was so lovely up there at the ski lodge. I got some wonderful pictures of Mount Hood when there was a brief clearing of the low-hanging clouds. We even found a fallen post which acted as a sort of stand for my little camera so Jacob and I could take some self portraits. The lodge was old and riddled with history. Built in during the Great Depression, the workers who were involved in its completion were all eager to exercise their skills and learn to do the things that needed to be done as well. The result was many beautiful carvings and some wonderful displays of blacksmithing and weaving. Much of the décor is original from when the lodge first opened in back in 1937. That old hotel feeling tends to lend itself to a sort of haunted atmosphere, almost like the Crescent Hotel in Hot Springs, Arkansas…only without the creepy history.

At the Bonneville Dam we also saw the fish ladder, a waterway created for fish to migrate up and down stream as needed without getting crushed in the turbines of the dam. Beneath the water, they installed windows so you can see the salmon and trout swimming by. We even saw part of a lamprey, which are apparently common in the Columbia River.

For lunch we dined at a fine drive-in burger joint. During our luxurious meal, it began to rain, as it often down in Oregon. We had pretty much gotten used to it, but just for fun we held our umbrellas up as we ate. Daddy and Jacob got medium sized ice cream cones that turned out to be like a foot tall! They were ridiculously huge. So much, in fact, that we couldn’t fathom what a large could have been!

Today we went to the Pacific Coast. The water was indeed cold, but not as cold as the lake water in Coeur D’Alene. How those girls convinced me to get into that water, I still don’t know. Our group had fun checking out the shops. Mommy kept an ever searching eye out for postcards. Near the beginning of our afternoon excursion, Daddy and I ran back to the car. On the way back we passed by the surrey rental lace. He kept eyeing the place. “Should we get one?” he asked in that unsure tone like a little boy debating a large purchase at a toy store. “Do you want one?” I asked. “Yes…it would be something they’ll never forget.” “Then let’s do it.” So the two of us ambled inside, collected our 8 seater, then pedaled out onto the road. I was laughing nearly the whole way, which probably didn’t help with my biking skills. We just looked so funny, the two of us chugging along on this huge contraption! I knew Daddy was waiting for the looks on their faces when we pulled up on that thing…I was too! It was funny seeing them go “What?!” It wasn’t too hard pedaling with us all on there. We all biked to this place where Lewis and Clark boiled seawater to make salt decades and decades ago. That was kind of neat. The night was concluded by a crab legs dinner (primarily for Aunt Sherrie and Daddy) and a pleasant evening ride home. It was so fun spending time together. J

Vacation Chronicle: Parts 4, 5, & 6

Hey people! I know most of you aren't going to read all of this, but it's a very detailed (well, as detailed as it's going to get!) description of our trips, except for our long stops which weren't documented as indepth (simply because I was too busy to pull out a pad and pencil). This part of our country is so amazing, I hope you guys enjoy hearing about our little excursions.

Today's date: 22 July 2011

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(Vacation Chronicle: Part 4)

Dear Diary,                                12 July 2011

We’re at Devil’s Tower! It is massive. And so ancient looking. Looking at it, it just seems so timeless and unchanging. It was the first national monument. After seeing “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” Jacob and I appreciated it a lot more. If we had had more time we would have gotten closer, maybe even go up it some ways, but we had to make it through Wyoming to Montana that day and had to hurry.

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Bighorn, Wyoming was the prettiest, most picturesque thing I’ve ever seen, even more so than Colorado Springs. We spotted moose, and had the “what is plural for moose” debate. On the way up into the mountains, Jacob was so worried that Daddy was going to run us off the road. Honestly, he can be such a worry wart sometimes – he’s just like Grandma in that even though he makes fun of her cautiosness all the time.

For lunch we ate at a tiny family place called Legends Grill in Daymon or something like that before Big Horn. Our goal was Yellowstone bit it’s been about 4 hours since I thought we were close. Haha, funny. Seriously though, Bighorn mountain range was so incredible we didn’t mind the long drive. We could turn a bend and there would be a magnificent valley and then a couple of moose grazing around the other. Mommy pointed out a few emu as well. We got some great pictures of a couple elk right by the road, not to mention the Shell Creek waterfalls. Unfortunately, I didn’t see any bears. I really wanted to…I told Jacob that there was 1 bear out there for me, somewhere. And I will find it.

It was freeing! At the highest point (about 8168 feet) we were hugging our coats and I pulled on some gloves when we got out. Jacob and I ran out of the car to a patch of snow. The fool was barefoot so in the picture that Mommy took from the passenger window, he was standing on my foot. Climbing (in the car of course) up Bighorn, we were actually in the clouds!! It was so neat! Course, I thing Daddy and I were the ones who enjoyed it most since both Jacob and Mommy were moaning and gripping the seats til their knuckles were white. It was a bit nerve-wracking since the clouds were like very thick fog, but Daddy’s a careful driver and I wasn’t worried.

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Finally in Yellowstone, we are at 8510 feet! There are mountains with melting snowy mountains everywhere, making waterfalls right there beside the road. It was so cool!

(Vacation Chronicle: Part 5)

Dear Diary,                              13 July 2011

We didn’t get to our hotel until 2 AM last night! Yes, we did see Old Faithful, but it was at night by the light of a full moon and if you ask me, we were the faithful ones. After 3 hours driving in Yellowstone Park it didn’t even spray for us. I was so tired I hardly cared At least we got to see it. There were geysers everywhere releasing hot steam that reflected in the moonlight, which looked pretty neat. Mommy kept calling it “geyser juice”.

The road went around this huge lake. Around one turn, suddenly there was this giant animal in the road! At first we thought it was a bear, but it turned out to be a bison. He was just walking along, chilling in the slow lane. It was an unexpected, but awesome, experience. Ever since the “Bison are dangerous” signs back in the Black Hills, Mommy had been wanting to see one. We were all pretty jovial there for a while – a little stray cloud floated above one of the hills. Mommy said, “Look, a little puff of cloud.” From then on we remembered him as “Little POC”…our cloud friend.

Mommy’s pretty tired. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to rest up at the Norcini’s. Idaho is where we’re headed to today. You would not believe the trouble it took to get some postcards here in Montana. It sure is pretty. I would love to see some wild horses.

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Almost to Clinton, Montana, the rain is really pouring down. Mommy is literally on the edge of her seat, eyes glued to the windshield as Daddy navigates through the downpour. It got so bad that we had to pull over for a few minutes. Even now, Daddy can’t see more than 20 meters ahead. He and I are the calm drivers in this group – Jacob and Mommy both are really nervous.

~

We’re almost to the Norcini’s now. We just went over Lake Hayden. It was so beautiful!! To my right was the lake, set off in a wave of reddish colors from the sunset. To my left the purple/pink colors of dusk lit up the sky along with a full moon. SO PRETTY I CAN HARDLY STAND IT!!

(Vacation Chronicle: Part 6)

Dear Diary,                                         15 July 2011

I got to drive a 4-wheeler today!! It was so awesome. It was like driving a wave-runner on land, only I was by myself. Heather and Janessa loved riding with me. Once, Heather said, “I love riding this with no grown-ups, no offense, Emily.” She and I get along really well, we’re like buddies. Janessa too, but not as much since she pretty much likes to do her own thing most of the time, even if it doesn’t include me. Liandra is the same way.

I also decided I’m going to take horseback riding lessons again. This decision was prompted by the feeling of the trail ride we took today at Heather and Janessa’s riding stable…and the fact that Dan (Pastor Dan) bought me some real boots. All I did was mention that I didn’t have any and he said “Well, let’s stop by the store and pick you up some, my treat.” I was like gasping, “Uh…you, er, you don’t have to do that.” But he really wanted to and I got excited about it. Now I have a slight saddle sore, but it just felt so good to be riding again – I was itching to lope, however that was not convenient to our riding formation.

After we got home this afternoon, we played outside in the front. Heather and I started out on Scooters by ourselves, then after we had graduated to breaking out the Ripstick, Jacob, Janessa, Liandra, and then the adults trickled on out. Dan and Jacob piled into the truck and went to fill up the ATV gas tank. I actually was able to help Heather out a little on the Ripstick. Every chance I get, I practice on Jana’s. By the end of the day, I wanted my own Ripstick. The two of us had fun, encouraging and laughing at and with one another. J Daddy and Mommy even tried out the Ripstick. They weren’t crazy about it (and Mommy didn’t even do it by herself, Daddy was holding her hands) but at least they did it. Mommy loves the Scooter. She Scootered all over the driveway, avoiding Liandra who would periodically jump in front of people and set down these red cones which meant “Stop!”.  Unfortunately Mommy wasn’t aware of all the Scooter precautions like “don’t get the wheels parallel to the cracks in the concrete”. She did learn them, thought. The hard way. Joleen said she wasn’t sure if she was laughing or crying, but what we were all sure of was that Mommy had just flung onto the ground and was then lying in the fetal position. “I know what I’m doing, I’m OK,” she kept reassuring us. “I just have to do this to keep from getting dizzy.”

It was a fun and full day. Right now I am playing DS with Heather and Janessa and they are beating me badly. I win now and then, but if I get too far ahead they both gang up on me. L Haha, it’s fun though. I’m learning how to play Blackjack and Poker! Hee hee.

Dear Diary,                                                    17 July 2011

These past three days have gone so quickly. We did so much with the Norcinis…Heather and I did Ripstick a lot, and got pretty good. Jana will be so proud of me!! J Daddy actually did it better than Jacob could…he could only go about 8 inches. What he did like, A LOT, was driving the ATV. He got that “I’m-so-proud-of-myself” look on his face. Once, while Heather and I were walking Buddy, he came up beside us and said, “What’s new?” “That proud look on your face,” I told him. He grinned, “That’s not new.” And then he was off.

The girls love to bug Jacob. Of course he loves to do the same to them, so it usually works our alright. There is an occasional argument, but overall they have a working dysfunctional relationship. “Why do people like to mess with me so much?” he often asks us. The three of us always have the same answer. “Because you like messing with everyone else.”

Last night we went to a place like Mountasia, the place I went with Elizabeth Berger for her birthday. It was called Triple Play. Heather was so excited about going there and we all enjoyed it immensely. Mommy and Daddy were later glad that they decided to come along with us. Laser tag was a lot of fun! Although I did lose all my points at one point from getting shot by this turret thing on the ceiling, at least my score was higher than Jacob’s. :P Janessa rode with me on Go Karts. We were second place, only we both concurred that it was strictly because there were two of us rather than one as with Jacob’s place, and because the boys in front of us would not let us pass. I used tickets earned from arcade games to get a few toys for the kids. It’s funny how much I miss those kids, and the Gilmores, too. The little ones drive me crazy sometimes, but I keep seeing things and thinking “Would Gabriel like that?” or “Joy would love that.” As for Jana…well, it’s kind of hard not to get everything I see that she would like, and most things I like she would also appreciate. Not to mention all my other friends, and family members. We often say things like “I wish so and so were here”. After this very successful trip, we’re all getting excited about planning a trip to the east coast next year. J