Risk

"If there were a choice - and he suspected there was - a choice between, on the one hand, the heights and the depths and, on the other hand, some sort of safe, cautious middle way, he, for one, here and now chose the heights and the depths."
-A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken

Not long ago, my brother and I and some of our friends were walking on a bike trail. The trail runs along a creek, and some of the trees grow so that their branches hang over the water below. This particular time, the water level was not too high. We came upon a tree with a good sized branch arching over, and the temptation was too great. I climbed up on it and inched further and further out on the limb. My brother anxiously cautioned me all the way, and the further I went, the more worried he became that I would fall. Naturally, being older, I did not intend to listen to him, but his doubts shook my own confidence. Looking at the tree branch, if I went further I would have the victorious satisfaction of having climbed nearly over the entire creek. Of course, there was also the possibility that my brother's fears would be realized, and I would fall to an embarrassing and painful injury. There was risk, and I had to weigh the possible gain with the possible consequences.

Risk. My mother, famous for her proverbs, always told us, "If you doubt, don't." That seems simple enough. What she failed to explain to us, however, is that so much of life is uncertain. Doubt does not only occur when I encounter a crossroads. Sometimes it is not a one-or-the-other decision, but a vague sense of doubt which I cannot exactly define.

Living life trying to do the right thing sometimes ends up feeling like a track runner going around and around in a circle without any breaks. After awhile, the runner realizes that he has broken his own record countless times. What purpose is there to keep going? The track doesn't seem to lead anywhere per se. This is a life without risk.

And it is like writing a book. I don't know if you have ever tried to sit down and put together a masterpiece, but the more into a plot you go (or at least it is this way for me), the more complicated it becomes. There are infinite possibilities, but you feel there is only one way for you to make this perfect. One way in which it all goes together. This is a life with too much risk to choose from.

These two things, a sense of monotony and of finding the one right way to behave, drive me to fear risk. Risk is the variable you never calculate. Risk is the possibility that you could fail or you could win the lottery. Most of the time, I avoid risk. It seems an unnecessary gamble to trifle with. But surprisingly, I have found that avoiding risk does not reduce doubt. In fact, many instances show the opposite to be true, that doubt increases as risk decreases.

Black and white may exist in pictures or in old movies or on checkerboards, but rarely is it evident in making decisions. Or maybe it is, but we are too distracted by the colors of our world to realize it. I am always so concerned with making the right decision, that when a decision is made, I often have a lingering sense of doubt. Did I make the right decision? Should I have chosen black this time, or was white the better choice? I fail to realize that a lot of the time, good comes with bad. I will not always make the right decision, but that does not mean that I should be wary of every choice I do make. The world will keep on turning if I blow it, and walking on eggshells and avoiding risks will not guarantee a "safe" life. What it will guarantee is a lot of emotional taxation and monotonous living. Yes, a decision can have disastrous results because a risk, prudent or imprudent, was taken, but the ultimate outcome, however, is out of our control.

Genesis tells the well-known story of Joseph's brothers selling him to merchants (an obvious lapse in judgement on their part) and of his eventual and amazing rise to power in a strange land that he had entered as a piece of property. Years after Joseph reveals his true identity to his brothers, they are still haunted by the decision they had made against him. After their father's death, the brothers feared Joseph's wrath which they felt they justly deserved. I am always staggered Joseph's humble and blunt response to them: "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." How incredible for Joseph to be drawn to a place where he could offer up such a horrible decision and look upon it with thankfulness and gladness.

Joseph did not fear making a wrong decision because he was confident that the Lord would use it all for His purpose. In Dante's Inferno, he rightly says, "A man must stand in fear of just those things that truly have the power to do us harm, of nothing else, for nothing else is fearsome." Nothing else is fearsome but the things that have the power to do us harm. How true and yet how often we forget? I forget that there is only a force of darkness unable to be overcome that must be feared, and that darkness does not exist because it has already been defeated. Isaiah 43:1 says "But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel; 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.'"

If there is risk, if it is thought through carefully and not taken by whimsical or carnal desires, then I believe it is right to be taken. For nothing in life is certain but the love of God, and nothing need be feared when that law is at work for all eternity.

Of Time

"...I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all of your breath trying to conquer it." - William Faulkner

Time. 
The only thing that can take forever and yet go as slowly as the drip on a leaky faucet. Seems as though Time is a frequent foe of mine, always trying to wrestle with my thoughts, choking or tantalizing my desires. Some moments, I wish Time would let me be. That I could escape to some small wrinkle in the universe where I could stand outside Time's grasp and see things from a perspective that isn't under its heavy influence. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but right now I feel it is keeping them from healing. Scabs try to grow, and then Time rips them off again. 

Thoughts are strange things... So potent for either good or evil. Discipline and routine help keep thoughts in line, but Time may put thoughts into a nonsensical loop. An idea you had weeks ago might suddenly appear in your brain without any rabbit-trail to be seen. A thrill at some past event might race down your spine for no reason at all. Why does Time choose to touch us when we aren't giving thought to it at all?

The chief weapon of Time, I think, is temptation. It is tempting to want to conquer time, as Faulkner said. How many breaths have I wasted in attempting this futile task of wrestling with Time? As a Gold Motel's song goes, "I don't want to waste my time standing in a waiting line." Waiting requires the expenditure of diligence and patience, but the curious reality is that it also fosters those virtues as well. This said, to "conquer" Time, in a sense, the opposite effort must be put forth. To resist the urge to succumb to "what ifs," to keep from grabbing at those no-where thoughts and running with them. Holding onto a thread of something that should never have been resurfaced can be a dangerous, futile thing. Time sets forth the temptation to conquer itself, therefore the act of conquering it may be accomplished by laying down one's guns so to speak and resisting the fight.

I am speaking of Time as an ambiguous entity. True, Time is not a grandfatherly figure holding a large clock beyond the clouds. In many aspects, the person of Time may be closely related to God, who is both beyond time and deeply involved with it. On the opposite side of the spectrum, Time, in a temptation sort of way, may be recognized as the Devil. These analogies fail, however, when moving to the "solution" side of things.

God put Time into motion. He knows where it began and where it will end and all the small puzzle pieces we call our lives in between. Incredible. This is where God is not exactly Time, for Time is finite while God is infinite. In the Bible, God provides resources for combating our sinful desires (the Devil aspect of Time). It is this trait of Time, to sneak up on us with small nudges in one direction or another, that resembles the work of the Devil.  CS Lewis' famous character Screwtape said, “It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out.” By merely forgetting the weapons we have been given for fighting back sinful desires, the Devil can wage war within the heart of even the most devout believer. 

The Lord knows that we have trouble with this struggle, the struggle of bending Time to our wills. That's why Paul wrote in Romans, "It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." (9:16). Our desires often lean towards controlling the world around us, but this isn't a war we are to fight on our own. When a conflict exists within ourselves, it's easy to feel alone in it. Each battle is a weary one in which you destroy yourself. What Paul wanted us to realize though is that we are not alone. In fact, it is not by our works or merit at all but by the Lord's mercy. Micah, a country boy from a small village near Jerusalem, was charged with the task of foretelling Israel the consequences of their deviant behavior towards God. Near the end of his book, he cries out, "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." With your God. 

We are not meant to fight this battle against Time alone. In fact, we aren't meant to fight it at all. Time is the Lord's, and He decides when it will build up nations and when it will bring them down. He decides what Time will do for me, and only be relying on that fact will I be released for the tyranny of Time's endlessness. If God is outside of Time, and God is inside of me, then there is a part of me that has the propensity to overcome Time. But I can't do it alone. Never alone.

Inspired

Start writing no matter what.

The water does not run until the faucet is turned on.

-Louis L'Amour

Where does inspiration come from?

I have been wondering that myself lately because frankly I have not felt the zap of lightning that we often call inspiration. To be inspired is to be filled with an irrepressible urge to do something. Not something we can control, we are left to sit around idly, waiting, praying for inspiration to come to us.

Is it possible that we are wrong?

Could inspiration be something that meets us half way? My music teacher told me something his uncle had told to him on the subject of writing. "How do I know I'm a writer?" Was the question. "Simple," was the answer, "I write."

Simple, yes, but not any less significant. To be a writer is to write. Does that mean that everything is going to be infused with wisdom and laced with allusions, parallels, metaphors that will provide the reader with understanding beyond his wildest dreams? No, indeed not. In fact, to be a writer is to, at times, fail utterly. To produce words that trail after one another like a preschool line-up, unregimented, unorganized, and barely recognizable as a line. Only sometimes, however.

Anything worth doing is worth failing at time and time again before the results start to look like something you enjoy. A painter does not stand in front of a canvass every day creating a masterpiece before turning in each night. It takes many canvasses, many do-overs, and many mistakes before the most beautiful creations surface.

Why is it so hard to think of writing this way? Perhaps because writing is not mere art, it is direct communication. It is easy to identify writing that is faulty because the words practically scream at you from the page. They are merciless. They want to be satisfied, and they are very verbal when they are not.

Regardless, it takes mistakes.Without writing, like would be a blank page. Inspiration is the rush of energy we get from drinking in the world around us. What better a place to receive inspiration than from the very words for which we desire to use this inspiration! Write. Never stop. Do it every day, and don't let yourself skip. It may seem meaningless, but let the words come. They may seem intimidating, but they know themselves, and you know them better than you realize. Allow them to fall into place as they will.

Inspiration will come to those who write. ♥

Spring and New Beginnings and Looking Back

Spring is such a beautiful time.

After the long, dark days of winter, it is a breath of fresh air. A reminder that the world is always changing, and that there is beauty in every chapter.

Looking at last year at this time, I was a different person. Isn't it funny how mere time can change us? I wouldn't say that I'm any smarter than I was, but perhaps I am a bit wiser. Wisdom that comes from making mistakes and having everything fall apart in front of you. These changes aren't the the kind that happen without noticing, like growing taller or learning to like the taste of coffee. These are changes that occur with groans, that take work. The ones that you feel first breaking you down and then making you stronger in the long run.

Spring brings this looking-back every year. It is a time to both celebrate new beginnings and to appreciate life in all its walks. No one likes hard times. It would be much more comfortable to avoid them all together, but as one great quote goes, “Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.” Like pressure creates a diamond, hardships prepare us for a destiny of uncertain circumstances but of definite resolution.

The Lord did not promise that this life would be easy. However, He did promise that we will overcome the world and all its pain and hardships. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7). No matter where in life, this always encourages me. This spirit within me, no matter how defeated it may seem or wounded it may feel, it is not of timidity!! It is a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline! Though I walk in the midst of trouble, the Lord preserves my life. He stretches out His hand against the anger of my foes and against all the forces that want to harm me. With His right hand, that is Jesus, He saves me. What in this life can even touch me? (Psalms 35:4;138:7;Matthew 26:64;Psalm 118:6) 

Yes, spring is fast approaching. Soon it will come, and then it will go, and summer will take its place to be replaced by fall, and then winter, and then spring yet again. But the Lord's love never fails nor does His promise to us. He Himself said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5). With a spirit such as this, every day is an opportunity to experience, to live, to love, and to rejoice because you and I are fearfully and wonderfully made!