Dear Diary, 24 July 2012
Almost down and out...
I never truly felt the gravity of the phrase "you never know what you have until it's gone". Still, I am ill acquainted with its full potential but only by shear grace and supernatural fortune. Regardless, I feel as though life has been dealing me a serious of minor blows, all of which add up to one major force that has swept me off my feet.
In such a skirmish, one cannot lower one's guard. You either keep up, or you are swept under and trampled. Unfortunately, life does not deal in black and white absolutes day to day although it is ultimately governed by similar laws. It is cruel, isn't it? To have psychological answers for the heart but never any way to mend the hurts with a single cure?
After a period of accepting these underhanded punches, I fell down to the canvas and heard the referee begin counting.
1, 2, 3...
My head swam, and the floodgates burst. Finally, it all came rushing to the surface, every single hurt I had stifled (or attempted to, rather) within an already swollen heart in the past few weeks. One thing after another, even those which I had forgotten, flowed down my cheeks, mingled with sweat as I pushed myself to outrun my woes. But pain is not something that you can run away from.
...4, 5, 6...
Tears streaming, I felt my heart break in two like never before. Cries of injustice, yes. Sobs of teenage angst, I was well acquainted with. This, though...this was a scream that I had never dared release before. A demand I had always feared I might exclaim. Why? With every tear and every throb of my almost physical ache, I shot the question into the heavens.
...7, 8, 9...
Why, God? Why did you let him die? She loved him so much, and this is hurting their family so! How could you let someone like him die? Why are you letting her slip away? She lived; she thrived; she pushed others to do the same. How could you take her from me in this way? From all of us? Everyone needs her still, you cannot take her, too. She has people who depend on her, love her. They need her. We need her. Don't let them leave us. Now that we've come to love them, why would you take them away? Why are you putting all of this on me?
I have a plan and a purpose that is greater than you and all the other people down there on earth with you. It may look like atrocity in your eyes, but the ultimate result is going to be pure beauty. You don't have to understand when I tell you this, and I know that so long as you're apart from me, you'll never truly grasp the concept. But I feel every single thing you go through, and I won't leave you through any of it. As for the others, there is a time for everything. To you, it may seem cruel taking them from your world, but in reality, it was their time to go to where they are created to be. Trust me.
The ref never got to 10.
Suddenly, I saw how fragile, how temporary mortal life is. Everything withers, dies, fades away. What's the only thing that remains? A hope that when you're brought down, face on the floor, blood streaming from your nose, you'll be able to get up before the count reaches 10. In the end, it won't be that you fought that people will remember, it'll be the fact that you stayed in the game. Stay in there and when the fight is over, you'll come out on top whether you ate dirt or held your own.
Fearful of pain, my whole life I've lived in anticipation that all the goodness that I have will disappear. Well...it's going to. Some of it is leaving me right now. But that doesn't mean that all is lost. "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." He doesn't test us beyond our limits, and He always provides a release, a way of escape.
A savior.
