May 13, 2011 (Feeling Useless?)

Dear Diary,             May 13, 2011

(Feeling Useless?)

Today is Friday the thirteenth. Just thought that was interesting.

Ever have a day – or several, for that matter – when you just feel useless? I have. There are days when I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything important in life. That I play video games and watch TV too often when I should be doing things to actually further mankind. Like what, you may ask? I’m not really sure. Maybe that’s part of the problem. This goes back to what I talked about before…about not knowing what I want to do. If I had a goal then I probably wouldn’t feel so useless. Feeling useless doesn’t help your self-confidence, I’ll tell you that. To be honest, I struggle with self-confidence a lot. Actually lots of the issues I deal with (socializing with people I have little to nothing in common with, being with people you want to know better but don’t because…well you just don’t…why is that? OK different subject) come back to the whole self-confidence thing. It gets so bad sometimes that I question why people like me, and if they really do or if they’re just putting up with me. Because at the moment, I can’t seem to like myself. It’s pathetic, I know. But it’s how I feel. So I guess I am pathetic.

The only way to get self-confidence is to be confident in who I am. Now who am I? *sigh* I’m a sixteen-year old girl who loves to read, write, and have fun. Me in a nutshell. What I didn’t say, though, is that I’m an ultra-sinner who, when she’s not sinning in deed, is sinning in thought by either thinking wrong things or not thinking the things she should be…thinking. What I need is to find my self-worth in something greater than myself. That is God.

OK, I get that Jesus died for my sins. Now I’m asking, why? Why does He care that much about me? Jesus can die on the cross and give me life, but what can I really give Him? I don’t have anything that He doesn’t already have. Just choosing to bring Him into my heart…is that it? That’s pretty lame, if you ask me. “Oh yeah, sure, come and rescue me from damnation. Why not?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I doubt the existence of God or question the significance of Jesus’ sacrifice. What I am saying is that I don’t understand it. Is that frank enough?

Maybe it’s because I don’t really feel I’m doing what I was made to do. When things stop doing what they’re made to do, they’re broken, right? Well maybe when humans don’t do what they’re made to do, then they’re broken…or confused or whatever you want to call it. So what am I made for…? Let’s go back to Sunday School class. Catechism #1: Q: What is the chief end of man? A: To glorify God and enjoy Him forever. People are always searching for ways to make life easier and more pleasurable to them. iPods, GPS’s, laptops, email, cell phones, automatic things like garage and car doors. We justify these inventions by saying they’re “cool”, “convenient”, and/or “safer”. The truth? Life was just as “cool”, “convenient”, and/or “safe” before those inventions were around, people just dealt with it. If you’ll notice, mankind complains just as much in the 21^st century as they during the 40-year exile of the Israelites in Genesis. My point is hidden in all this. My point is that we need to look past ourselves. God gave us a gift, but we don’t need to focus on that part. What we need to focus on is…not really “paying back” God, but rather doing things to exalt Him. More like thanking Him. That’s right, we’re thanking God for His Son. Underline the “To glorify God” part instead of the “enjoy Him forever”. Don’t completely throw out the last part, that’s very important too. God wants us to be happy loving and thanking Him. Still, avert attention for yourself (and myself).

How do I give glory to God in an adequate manner? No act is big enough to warrant God’s attention. Ah, no act. 1 Samuel 16:7 says “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” When we’re doing things to bring Him glory what we sometimes fail to realize is that it isn’t the actual act that makes Him smile, it’s the heart behind it. That’s why there’s no act too small or too big that we can do for the Lord, so long as we have the right attitude. In summary, we can give God the glory He expects – and even demands – by giving Him of the wholest part of ourselves: our hearts.

At the end of the Gospel of Mark, Jesus straight up tells everyone what they should do. “Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.” (Mark 16:15) We should be out there in the world, preaching the good news to ALL creation! Not because it’s a nice thing to do, but because it’s what we were made to do and because it is what God commanded us. My mom always tells me that obedience is the best gift. So I want to give God the gift of my heart and my compliance.

I don’t know what God wants me to do with this heart of mine (or my obedience, for that matter), but I have to trust Him that the answer will be made known to me. On an episode of Adventures in Odyssey, one of the characters, Tom, said “Keep your eyes and ears open, and God will help you work it out.”