"Insecure, You've Lost My Way Again..."

Dear Diary, 16 January 2012


Insecure, you've lost my way again...


You danced upon the mirror glass on the floor
When the sky was falling.
Where's you go, my curious?
Insecure, you've lost my way again.


I tried so hard 
To reflect their hearts
And show them that I'm stronger
And now I run.
("Photograph" by Shiny Toy Guns)


I let fear rule me.


It abounds, feeding on self-doubts and the dismissive glances of others. It divides me, both from others and within myself. I am only whole when I am fully embracing my existence in God, the way He thinks of me, with no fear. In blissful ignorance of other people - they are irrelevant compared to such majesty.


I can love them, Lord, because You ask me to, but how can I like them? How, when they prompt the tears in my eyes so often? Maybe I don't always let those tears show, but even if they don't slide don't my face, they bleed from my heart, silent testaments to the hurt I don't let show. How, when they seem to be the ones keeping me at arms length?


I am afraid to give myself completely God in worship because of my fear of others. I don't want those glances, those whispers, those snickers. I know they exist because I myself dole them out. On my own, I am lost. With God's help alone can I realize that He is the one to whom I should first seek approval, not these caprice mortals. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matt 6:33) Seek Him first, with all my heart, at all times!


Fellow believers are vital to the cultivation of a thriving spiritual life, of that I am certain. However, I am doubting whether those individuals have to come from my church. Church is supposed to be the place you feel the most free, the most relaxed. To a degree, that is true. In church, I feel closer to God than I usually do at other times. The fellowship aspect, however, is far from the most fulfilling relationships I have. I think perhaps God is trying to teach my something...well, actually I'm quite certain this is what He is doing, what He is always doing. But specifically, I think He is bringing me closer to Him and showing me that I need to break from the tendency to obsess over other people's thoughts about me. I know I worry about what other people think far too often.


This doesn't meant that outside the church circle, my social life is golden. Ha! I must laugh at that. By no means. I am extremely blessed to have a handful of very close friends, friends I can count on to always be there when I need them. A lot of the time, unfortunately, old-friendship ties and my reticent propensities keep me from branching out. It's really annoying! To see someone, to listen to them often, joking and talking about things, and to know that if they could just get to know you a little bit, you would be good friends. But the problem lies in the initial "getting to know you" part. I'm terrible at initiating friendships, and most often they don't stick when I do. I've gotten lucky a few times...really lucky. Of course, that's just Christ at work in my life, and not myself.


But, it's not all about me. I need to think outside my little "me" box.


"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God." Ephesians 2:8


"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Colossians 3:2