You Don't Know Me

Dear Diary, 28 January 2012

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You don't know me, You don't even care...

You don't know me

You don't even care

...

You don't know me

You don't wear my chains.

("Boston" by Augustana)

As a teenage girl, I often struggle with self-worth. The opinions of other people dictate my actions and my view of myself far too often.

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The other day, I wrote a song! Not too brilliant, I am afraid. It does need some work, but it felt good to write something that I could have on my mind all day long.  It’s a bit sad, unfortunately, due to the fact that others can influence my life so much, and not in a positive way. That is primarily why I wrote this song. Here goes.

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Introspection Monologue (← title needs work)

Yesterday’s friends have come and gone and left the table empty.

No use looking for a glance where she knows she won’t find any.

The piercing shouts from a silent tongue; The regret from a recipe half done.

Was there something she had said? Cause her heart is lying dead on the floor, it’s saying

Who am I now? Who am I now?

I was trying to find me, somewhere in this vast sea,

But all I’ve done is lose everything

So who am I now?

She makes her way to the lunch room table, sits as well as she is able.

No way to fight the hope, everything is on the ropes.

“Maybe I will crash and burn.” But without a price you cannot learn.

It’s not her time to choose, but she’s the one who’ll lose.

And she’ll say

Who am I now? Who am I now?

I was trying to find me, somewhere in this vast sea,

But all I’ve done is lose everything

So who am I now?

There’s nothing else to do but to tip your hand.

No where you want to go but backward.

Things they don’t get easier,

But it’s us who write these chapters.

Who am I now? Who am I now?

I was trying to find me, and though I came up empty,

It’s the fight that will make me who I am.

kazuaka.deviantart.com

Indeed, it’s not extremely inventive, but it expresses its purpose well enough. People can make me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m lacking in some way. They can make me feel bad for being quiet and less outgoing. It’s not all them, either. Part of it is me being jealous of their extroverted nature. However, my worth is not tied to anything earthly. Not even non-Christians’ opinion of me. Yes, it is important to live a life that gives glory to God, but this is not tied to my self-worth.

Man was made in the image of God, as indicated in Genesis 1 and in the verse “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.” (James 3:9) So, who we are is completely tied to who God is. Actually, we only discover who we really are when we discover who God really is. “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

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OK, lemme try and remember my Sunday School catechism…the chief purpose of man is? To glorify God and enjoy Him forever. “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31) So my whole being, my entire life, is all about Christ! I was built and created, in every way from my physique to my soul, to compliment the Savior of the universe. Amazing.

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Today in my Health on Monday, the guest speaker illustrated our relationship with God as divided by communicable and incommunicable attributes, with holiness in the middle. We’re called to holiness by God, and He assumes some attributes that we can never attain, like sovereignty, omnipotence, perfection, goodness, infinite, and the roles of Redeemer and Father. However, we are made in His image. What does that mean? Well, it means that I am physically like God, for one, but that’s not the biggest thing. I was given, like Adam at the creation of the earth, attributes that previously only God assumed. These include joyfulness, lovingness, the ability to be personal, trustworthy, an encourager, a friend, and the biggest thing that separates us from every other creature on the planet, creativity!

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“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking, and envying each other.”

Galatians 5: 22-26

Anything that gets in between these attributes, that messes with our image of ourselves as made in God’s image, that is when I get messed up. When I start doubting my ability to be a good friend, then my friendship suffers and conceit and envy have ground to creep in. When I cannot trust myself, then I cannot trust others. It is a cycle begins with a distancing from God.

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“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers.”

Romans 8:28-29

The Fall corrupted our image of God – Jesus came to fix it. He is in the process of making us to be like Him by His living for, in, and through us.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, what matters is what God thinks about me. And He loves me! He loves me because His Son died a terrible death so He could stand between me and judgment and say “Not this one…I’ve got this one”. How incredibly sobering and humbling. It makes me filled with such intense gratitude, I easily want to live my entire life for Him. Who I am in Jesus is the single most important thing in my life. I don’t need self-confidence, I have “God confidence”, as the speaker said.

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 I discover who I am only when I discover who God is. I am a reflection of the Father. It’s time to “throw our mirrors down”, as the Tenth Avenue North song says. Turn away from what I see in the bathroom mirror every morning and embrace who I am inside, where God is and where He sees the depths of my heart. “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 6:7)

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