Constant

Dear Diary, 12 April 2012

What is constant...?

When everything else is changing

You are constant.

Lifting my eyes to see

Far beyond this misery.

(Constant by Building 429)

Every morning, the sky goes from a dull, grayish color to an exuberant canvas of light. Pinks, oranges, and yellows slowly grow up from the horizon like young plants, reaching further and further until the sun has covered the distance and is peering down upon you from above. Regardless of the past day, whether it rained or snowed or sunned, the sun will always rise again. It is a constant, and constants can be relied on to remain unchanging.

Trying to think of other things that are constant, the list is short. Matter, energy, light, darkness. These constants are very broad terms, however. When applying the “unchanging” test, more tangible things, like love and even hate, translate as constants. I know that my parents’ love is unchanging; I know that my friends’ love is unconditional. What more is there?

Dooms-day believers don’t even have the satisfaction of believing in a consistent sunrise. Every year, they come out with some explanation of how the world will end sooner or later. There is only one thing more constant than the sunrise. One thing that is not dependent on anything that happens, no matter what we do or say or how the world around us changes. We can screw up worse than ever before; we can launch nuclear missiles; we can look away s as dictators take over continents; we can deny the reality of it existing, but the fact still stands: God is constant.

There are days, weeks, months, that I feel a void in my heart. A void that is gaping and selfish, absorbing everything with a hunger that will not be satisfied. Doubts whisper through my brain, making me critical of myself and others. A nuance of numbness takes hold, and it spreads throughout my entire body before I notice. Before long, what used to be a fulfilled, happy life is nothing more than a shell struggling to keep a smile pasted on a fake mask.

Once I realize my depravity, I pray about it. I ask that I will be able to help others and not remain in this strange feeling of nothingness. I talk about it; maybe someone else will give me wisdom. My dearest friend suggested perhaps it was stress, my not wanting to face something, that prompted the slump. However, knowing the cause does not always initiate the healing.

The only thing that could truly penetrate the barricade around me was prayer. Still, in my heart, I barely felt a difference. Only a growing sense of hopelessness and paranoia. Scary how an invisible thing can have such great affect.

Finally, God must have reached down and knocked through that self-imposed barrier. It was like He said, “OK, that’s enough. You need to get back to reality now.” Reality. Such a frightening word, unless you have a constant to rely on.

He revealed to me that my problem was avoiding Him. Inadvertently, I allowed my schedule, my busyness, to place a gap between me and God until I was basically numb. Although I didn't notice it right away, the danger was real. Apathy is the most dangerous of emotions, worse even than hate, and the only way out was to admit my fault and to pray for redemption.

 “Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -- the apathy of human beings.” 

― Helen Keller 

I want to continue on this topic, but this post has become quite lengthy, so until then...

A note to my readers

Some comments that I receive resemble remarks like "I wish I had your faith." I wish to address these comments briefly.

First of all, really? I'm flattered of course, but you must realize that the whole reason I keep up this blog is because I'm a confused teenager who doesn't know heads nor tails of the world. In every post, I am searching for something constant to hold on to, and then I try to hang onto it once I've found it. It's not that I have great faith, because honestly I don't. Most of the time, I really suck at the whole "trust God with all your heart" thing. I thank God that all He asks is faith like a mustard seed because that's about all I can muster most of the time. 

Thank you for your comments, but know that I wrestle with my faith just as much as you do, if not more. It does comfort me to know that there are others who struggle with these same things, though, and I always enjoy your comments. Grasping the truths of the world is the most difficult and most unachievable tasks we shall ever endeavor, but I enjoy embarking on the journey with you all.

Love you!! You are all in my prayers. Keep trading yesterdays.

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