I Want to Be Pro-Choice

This has been something weighing heavy on my heart for the past few months, ever since we heard the obstetrician say that Genesis had a cystic hygroma. The social issues circulating as of late (I mean they've always been there, but it seems like they've increased in the past couple months) have renewed my feelings on the matter.

I want to be pro-choice. It stands for woman's health, constitutional freedom, education, and progressivism. To this effect, I have embarked on a rampage of research and inquiry. The result: according to Google, to be pro-choice, one must by definition advocate legalized abortion. 

My purpose here is not to accuse, I simply desire to understand. I need to understand the abortion issue. I have heard such vehement opposition from both sides of the spectrum, each denouncing the other as malicious and unfeeling. I know that is truly not the case for either pro-choice or pro-life individuals, so what I am asking is for someone to help me. I realize this post may be controversial to some, but it has been heavy on my heart, and I know I must share.

~

Recently I was watching TV, and one of the characters decided she was going to go back to school for an intensive four-year degree while taking care of her two kids and her husband as well as working her own full-time job. An admirable goal! This woman found out she was pregnant, and in despair she decided she could not follow her dream of education. In a battle of following your dreams and being true to herself versus staying home to take care of her family, she decided to get an abortion. It was a difficult decision, but she felt she had made the right one and then went on to pursue her fulfilling career.

I was taken aback by this. One moment there was this prospect of a new baby and its whole life springing up in my imagination, and the next that prospect was gone because this woman decided she wanted to follow her career. Yes, this is TV, and I feel a bit silly thinking so much about a show, but the reality struck me that this is real life for so many people. A crossroads that leads to either carrying a baby and being a parent or going on with your life with a hard decision under your belt. 

I do not mean to trivialize this decision, for I know it is a serious one that many women make. I also don't want to skirt around what is actually going on here. This is the part that I don't understand and that I want to. I want to believe that abortion is an option for women for their own good, for their health and wellbeing. But even if all that is true, what about that baby?

The words I have heard used are "embryo" and "fetus", not baby. But what does a woman who is pregnant (with a wanted pregnancy) say? "I'm having a baby." That is the usual result of being pregnant, aside from complications, isn't it? Embryo and fetus lead to baby. So at what point is this embryo or fetus an actual baby? If when it is born, then what about the few moments before it is born when it is inside it's mother's womb? How is that not a baby but passing through a vagina or taken out via cesarean makes it a baby? During an abortion, isn't that the same thing that happens, only the embryo or fetus is no longer alive? So at that point, is it a dead baby or is it just an aborted embryo?

These are not rhetorical questions, I really want some answers here.

I have been scouring the internet for some responses, looking at pro-choice websites and Q&A articles. The questions I find are "Why would someone have an abortion?", "Does having an abortion increase my chances of getting breast cancer?", and "Is a medical abortion dangerous?". These are all important questions that a woman should ask for her own wellbeing. However, they do not address the underlying questions which I am presenting. What about the life that you are ending and how do you justify it?

Women on Web had the question "Can you see the products of the abortion (placenta, embryo, blood) and what should you do with them?" which most closely pertained to my ponderings. The answer was this:

Most of the time women can see blood and tissue in their sanitary napkin or in the toilet. The (very small) embryo is usually passed within this blood and tissue in such as way that it goes unnoticed by the woman. However, it is possible that you might see the (very small) embryo. Depending on the length of the pregnancy, a small pregnancy sac with some tissue around it may be visible. For instance, if you are only five to six weeks pregnant, there will be no visible sac. At nine weeks, you might be able to find a sac in the blood and it is possible that you might see the embryo. With a pregnancy of 8 or 9 weeks, the embryo is about 2,5 cm. This can be distressing.

It is best to flush everything down the toilet or to wrap the sanitary pads in a plastic bag and throw them away.

When I was pregnant with Genny, our first ultrasound was at 12 weeks. In another article on Women on Web addressing how many weeks into your pregnancy you can get a medical abortion, it stated that a "medical abortion has bee shown to be effective through the first trimester (12 weeks) and has been successfully used during the second trimester." If I were to have lost Genesis at this time in my pregnancy, I would have been absolutely devastated. In fact, I thought day after day that this was going to happen, and it heartbreakingly did happen to several people that I am close to. If I had had an abortion, the advice would have been for me to flush the "products of the abortion" down the toilet. If I had had a miscarriage, that would have been my precious baby that I had lost. If the only difference in value of fetal or embryonic life is my emotional investment in its development, then what does that say for the rights of the unborn baby (or embryo or fetus, whatever term you prefer to use)? 

The logic that I am trying to grasp would infer that when Genesis was an embryo at 12 weeks gestation, there would have been no pain  for the fetus (possibly, or maybe pain killers would  have been used) had it been terminated, and that this is not the same thing as ending the life of a child. At what point in my pregnancy did Genesis become a baby, a child, my offspring? I do not believe that most pro-choice individuals consider embryos and fetuses to be "'lumps of tissue' or 'blobs'" as Sarah on The Pro Choice Action Network single-mindedly stated. On the other hand, I do want to know what the embryo/fetus is considered to be.

I would like to address the health and wellbeing of these women, which is the focal point of the pro-choice movement. For many women who have been hurt or who are in a less than ideal situation to be pregnant, it seems that having a baby is not the right thing to do. It is extremely taxing on the body, as countless post-natal products can attest. The birthing process is...well, pretty gross despite what a "miracle" it's supposed to be. Victims of rape and abuse are not able to "move on" with their lives when impregnated. Ambitions and goals become impossible to attain in some cases. Not to mention, every baby deserves to have a fulfilled life. It seems a service to the child to spare it the pain and hardship that it will inevitably face. 

Let me tell you as a new mom that having a baby and raising it is hard. Freaking hard. I can't imagine doing this alone. It is frustrating because you do not understand the tiny little person who so obviously needs something (you can tell from the screaming), and you want to help, but none of your attempts are successful and it seems that baby will never stop and you're tired and all the advice swims around in your brain making you feel like you aren't "doing it right"...

It's a lot.

But even in those hardest of times, when I had tears of desperation in my eyes, I could look down at Genesis and see how helpless she was. Screaming, crying, pooping everywhere, it didn't matter. She depends on me (and quite selfishly, I might add) for everything. She always has, from the moment she came into being inside of me. This is what I cannot overlook. The helplessness of the babies who depend on their mommies. These mommies who define the worth of their unborn children.

So yes, I want to be pro-choice. I ache for women who have been abused, who find themselves with serious health complications or the realization that their unborn baby has a serious complication. But I ache for those babies, too, who will never even get the chance to have a life because of the choice. Anyone who can persuade me otherwise, I am happy to listen. But for now, I cannot be pro-choice.

In Just a Moment

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

-The Fellowship of the Ring

Some moments in life make you forget how fleeting it is. They're sweet, and full, and trick you into believing that all of it lasts forever. Other moments are stark reminders that this place is not our home, and a lot of the time, these moments hurt.

There is no blame to shift for these moments. In fact, they are gifts from God so that we don't become too comfortable down here on this earth. They can be confusing though. You are suddenly left dazed and wondering what just happened and how you could have been so blissfully oblivious seconds before.

Ryan and I had one of those moments. After seeing the ultrasound of our twelve-week old baby for the first time, we were absolutely thrilled. We sat in the doctor's office, waiting for the doctor for about thirty minutes, but we didn't care. She could take all day. We were having a baby, and on the little pictures we held in our hands, it looked perfect.

Then the doctor appeared. She apologized for taking a long time, then sat down and said something that changed our lives from that moment on: "There is an abnormality in your baby's ultrasound." It was like my worst fear had been realized - there was something wrong with our baby. Ryan came and stood next to me, holding my hand. I don't know if he did that for me or for his own comfort. The doctor went on to explain what this "abnormality" was and what it could imply for our little one. As she spoke, I could feel a grip around my heart tightening and my stomach turned. I thank God for the artificial calm He gave me in that room so that I didn't break down as the doctor spoke to us.

Cystic hygroma. The doctor was not an expect on the topic (probably because the chances of having a cystic hygroma during pregnancy is 0.2-1%), so she promptly made us an appointment with a specialist at Texas Children's Hospital. I could hardly believe that our little baby was hardly twelve weeks old and already we were going to see a fetal specialist.

The genetic counselor explained in more detail what we already had researched after our first appointment. A cystic hygroma is the result of toxins being unable to leave the baby's body, so they form cysts (pockets of fluid beneath the baby's skin, like big blisters). Our baby's spans from its head to its butt, and the counselor counted about three of them. The cysts themselves are not the most alarming issue, although they can cause lethal stress to the baby. Rather, they are the result of an underlying, and oftentimes more serious, issue such as a chromosome disorder, a heart defect, a problem with the lymphatic system, or a recessive gene disorder. Each of these possibilities has its own host of statistics, none of which were positive.

What a surreal experience. I never thought that at twenty years old I would be sitting with my husband across a table from a lady telling us that there is a good chance our unborn baby will have Turner's Syndrome, Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, Trisomy 16, or a fatal heart disorder. Of course, nobody expects for these times to come. As Gandalf wisely said to Frodo, "...so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to deide is what to do with the time that is given us."

Desperate for some kind of ray of hope, Ryan finally said to the genetic counselor, "Isn't there a possibility at all that something could just not be developed all the way? I mean, the baby is so small..." The lady nodded, "Yes, of course, it could be that something just has a kink in it, and as the baby grows it will correct itself and you'll have a perfectly healthy baby. But that is usually not the case with a cystic hygroma." So there it was. Our tiny, almost impossible chance.

Since that Tuesday, we have met life a day at a time. Some evenings after a tiring day or being nauseaus and having to explain to everyone that, "Yes, I am pregnant, but the baby has this problem..." I can only come home and burst into tears. Looking at that sweet baby's profile, it kills me to think that I may never get to hold it or kiss its cute little nose or get to know its wonderful personality. But I feel like I need to explain it to people. Maybe so that they understand a little better where I am coming from. Ryan and I are in a strange limbo where we love our baby more than anything, but we can't exactly expect to have a healthy baby. The list of possibilities looms dauntingly over our heads no matter how positive we choose to be. Ryan has been the best at this. He has his moments when it gets too heavy for him, too, but God has given him a strength that allows him to encourage me and to give me hope when I'm starting to lose it.

It's confusing becuase I don't know if I am to trust that God is going to answer my prayers with a resounding yes, or if I am to be assured with the promise that my baby is in His hands. Of course, I truly know that it is the second one, but knowing that the odds are against us takes my breath away. I have to cling to that promise that the Lord has our baby, and He is going to protect it no matter what. That, I do believe.

So now, we are waiting for the next two weeks to pass so we can go to the doctor and hear the heartbeat again. We look forward to that appointment with both hope and dread. Every day, I wonder if the baby is still alive inside me or if I've already lost it and don't know. Ryan and I desire to hear that heartbeat so badly! The Lord is definitely sustaining us, and our marriage has become stronger because of this period of trials we have been enduring. We know we are not worse off than most, so for that we are thankful. And we have each other, so whatever happens, we will be alright. :) The Lord is in control.

"Be strong, and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The LORD will do what is good in his sight.”

2 Samuel 10:12