17 October 2011 (The Temptation to Pretend)

Dear Diary, 17 October 2011

In this life, we will have troubles. But we are to take heart because God has overcome our troubles, and now we belong to Him. He has forgiven us for all our misdeeds and sins.

One sin that I often commit is that of neglect. I tend to neglect things all the time! Like this blog. If anyone is reading this, then I apologize for my forgetfulness and, I shall admit, my avoidance. Sometimes I feel under qualified or that I don’t have anything anyone will want to read about anyway. But that doesn’t matter. We aren’t called to follow Christ because it’s going to make us famous. We’re supposed to do it not just for others but for our own hearts as well. There may be nobody else who reads this entry except me, but the fulfillment that I get through doing it could be all God has planned for me in the first place. So I will commit myself, today – because it is a commitment I must make daily! – to being a faithful servant for the Lord, and, if He wants to today, let Him speak through me.

The Temptation to Pretend

This issue has come up a lot lately for me. Not just at church, in my life, in my friends’ lives, and in my family’s lives. The more and more I hear pastors and youth leaders talk about it, I see it more clearly. I am a total fraud! There is a wrongness about acting like somebody you’re not, and although I feel that wrongness at times, I dismiss it because I am so busy keeping up the façade. It’s hard to not try and act like other people so that they will notice you. Often, it even feels wrong to not try and conform so that others will befriend you or talk to you. Being alone seems like the worst option, but perhaps that is what you are supposed to be.

There are girls that I know who are godly young ladies; they love Jesus and each other, but still I feel this aura of pretend around them. Maybe it’s just the fact that I am so different from them that I feel like I have to be somebody else in order to be around them. Regardless, I constantly have to guard myself against that.

Being authentic in who you are is so freeing! Jesus died for me. He looked at my ugly sin and the fact that I constantly try to cover up who He has made me and He still loves me. That is truly amazing. If He could see the darkest side of my heart and still say “I will die for that girl”, then I am free no matter what anyone else thinks.

This doesn’t make the difficulties go away. I will still struggle, and fail, in this area. But another of the many promises God has given us is that when we blow it – even big time – He will be there to help us out. He has also given me some amazing friends, whom I love dearly, and who I know I can be myself around.