9 November 2011 (Where There's a Will, There's a Way, Part 1)

Dear Diary, 9 November 2011

Each time I type the date I am struck by how quickly time has progressed. Is it truly nearly Thanksgiving time? Subsequently, have I used these fleeting moments to their fullest potential?

A question on everyone's mind is this: what do I want out of life?
For me to answer this question from my heart, I believe it is to stay in line with God's will over my own subjugating one.
What is God's will? one might ask. I thought this was incredible complex and required a lot of biblical knowledge to grasp, but it is surprisingly simple. The Bible, in its entirety from front to back, is God's will! Every instruction, every piece of advice is brilliantly woven into a handbook of His plan.
My youth pastor pointed out Deuteronomy 29:29 in our discussion on God's will:

The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that were may follow all the words of this law.

The secret things are mysteries, quite probably, that are beyond our realm of understanding. However, His will, the way in which He would have us live our lives, is not kept in the shadows. It is in every passage of every chapter! It is inescapable, even outside of Bible reading, for the heavens and the trees and everything that lives and moves and has breath declares God's glory.

Particularly moving to me are Titus 3:1-2, Philippians 4:8, and Romans 12:2.

"...be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men."

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will."

3 November 2011

Dear Diary, 3 November 2011

Family is the greatest.
Friends may come and go, but family is the only constant. They're in your house, they're in your blood, they're in your business. Really, you cannot escape them.

Yeah, I fight with my brother, but generally we get along alright. It's so frustrating... most of the time when I get the most angry with him it's because I know he can do better! Sometimes I want to just knock him on the head and say, "Come on, bro, use your brain!"

But he is pretty great, I have to admit. Although I don't think he reads my blog regularly. When he acts like himself, I love to be around him. Unfortunately, he sometimes thinks it incredibly amusing to annoy me in every possible faction.

*sigh* When I'm feeling overloaded, or unnecessarily emotional, taking refuge in music always appeals to me. Yesterday, I bought "Get Through" by Mark Joseph. It is an uplifting song. I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and simply get lost in the music.

"Living in the summer is easy

And It's living in the winter that's hard

But we'll get through."

Get Through by Mark Joseph

26 October 2011 (Satisfy Me)

Dear Diary, 26 October 2011

Why do I always strive to be better than everybody else? Why can't my first thought be "Wow, it is so cool that she can do that!"? Instead, I am always comparing myself to others. In my mind, what one girl can do I am "probably better at" or what that guy is able to do I "could do it if I wanted to". What will it take for me to face up to the fact that I CAN'T??!!


Maybe, if I just let go and admit that yes, I am not the fittest, most attractive person in the world or no, I am physically unable to run three miles straight, perhaps then I could hone in on the attributes I do possess and sharpen those. It is according to my experience (with myself) that people always crave more. If I stopped wanting more, what would that look like?


Satisfaction. That is the word that I crave. Forever unreachable, that is the ideal every human being wants. The thing is though, for Christians, we have that satisfaction! We don't need to be searching for more because we've already got it! One verse my mom would nearly constantly recite to me when I was little (to the point of exhaustion) was Ephesians 4:23: "Be content with such things as you have for He Himself said I will never leave you nor forsake you." Jesus is here to not only clean up our messy sins but also to heal our hearts. To let us forgive ourselves.


Being a Christian is all about being satisfied with who we are in Christ! God made us in His image...He said "it is good". We are "fearfully and wonderfully made". And, thank God, it is not by our abilities that we get this merciful salvation. 1 Timothy bluntly says "we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it." 


We are commanded to "not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present [our] requests to God." (Philippians 4:6) By "Him all things were created" (Col. 1:16) and He will "satisfy the desire of all living things".


I don't need to look a certain way or be a certain thing...what I do need is Jesus to make me whole.

24 October 2011 (I Just Wanna Run)

Dear Diary, 24 October 2011 (I Just Wanna Run)

Today was one of those days where nothing really bad happened and yet I still felt like I carried the world on my shoulders, so to speak. An incident with my grandma did occur - she fell and got a cut on her head - but she is alright now. Aside from getting my school-load for the week, that's about it. Still...it seems like my whole life revolves around school. Actually, it does. My dad says that school is my "job" right now. It's not exactly hard, in and of itself - each subject, I can basically whiz through. Altogether, however, it just feels overwhelming.

My daily schedule is: wake up at 6, work out, do chores, make breakfast, start school, etc. On some days, the start school part is postponed due to other activities. I never feel completely relaxed! There is always something else I could, and should, do.

All I want to do is escape for awhile...find some island somewhere...watch a movie with a tub of ice cream...anything.

("I Just Wanna Run" by Downtown Fiction)

23 October 2011 (Growing Up)

Dear Diary, 23 October 2011


Today I got the opportunity to hang out with my family, something I have not done in a long while. It is easy to be swept up in the frenzy of school, household responsibilities, friends, church, and other activities so that I forget that spending time with family should be a priority.


My almost-seven-year old cousin had his birthday party today. Watching him and his sister and brother grow up has been...bitter-sweet. I remember when Vash was little and couldn't pronounce his "L's" for the life of him. I remember when Raye used to grasp onto my earlobe, her variant of thumb-sucking. I remember when Jack, the quiet one (or at least he used to be!) would sit silently in a chair, rocking back and forth while sucking his two middle fingers.


In another month, Raye will be ten-years old. She's already talking about getting a cell-phone and asking me advice about boyfriends (oh my gosh!!). Life has already begun to take its hold on her. Pretty soon, she'll be out making her own decisions and forming her own future. It's scary for me to think, because I love her so much. All that's standing between her and a life-long regret is one decision. 


That's why I'm always praying for them. In the end, God is the only one who will be able to help her - and the boys - get through life. I know that because it's true for me!! I pray that they will someday have a real relationship with Jesus, separate from the Bible stories about the big boat and the man-eating fish they've heard at Sunday School. A deep faith based on trust in the unseen. No, it's not easy. It's actually very hard to get passed the fact that God doesn't audibly speak as He did to Moses and Abraham. But He does still speak: through His Word and through our hearts.


But I'm not really worried. Raye may be a ten, but she is one of the most level-headed people I know. Plus, even if she doesn't understand quite how much, I know God is watching out her and He loves her more than I, her Daddy, her Mommy, or anyone ever could. For that, and for the three of them, I am extremely thankful.

20 October 2011 (Way Back in 2006/The Longest Post EVER!)

Dear Diary, 20 October 2011


It seems so foreign to put the "2011", although this year is almost over. In my mind, 2005 or 2006 were not so long ago. Things were very different back then...I was different, my family was different - the entire world was different.


In 2006...
George W. Bush was president. Blu-Ray was first introduced. The Great American Boycott occurred. "Cars" came out. Apparently, the battleship age ended.


These things all happened during that year...perhaps you were a part of one or all. What was I doing?


OK, this is going to sound very pathetic, but truthfully I was praying for a friend.


For a year or so, my life had been centered around family - not that that's a bad thing. I love my family. Still, it is nice to have a friend you can be really close to. Someone you can talk to during the day about stuff that's bringing  you doing, someone who can make you laugh when you've got so much stress on your shoulders that you have to fight to keep from crying. 

My pen-pal cousin encouraged me to pray about the things I wanted and to not give up. Being  Christian since before I can remember, praying for things was common. However, praying for something and really, really expecting results was not. In a way, it's kind of scary to do that. You are putting so much faith in God, investing your hopes in what you request of Him, that if He were to give you a "no" answer, the results could be dramatic. I wanted it so bad, though, that I decided to take that chance.


Two big things were high up on my prayer-list that year: horseback riding lessons and a friend.


The results were so amazing, I can hardly believe it looking back.


I remember the day clearly, even if the exact date escapes my memory. My mom had enrolled us in a new homeschool group. The three of us attended homeschool group get-togethers before, and usually they were either awkward or lots of fun, in which case we would become friends with someone only to never see them again. This time, however, Mommy was excited and revved as she sometimes got about certain things - actually, she still is like that, but I digress. Another factor which made my bro and I less than thrilled to attend this event solely lay in the issue of it being a P.E. Day. The two of us also shared a rather unflattering mental view of P.E. Days, based on past experiences.

P.E. Day is now Park Day...this is something we found at
Park Day yesterday

So we pulled up to the park...Collins Park. We got out and glanced around. New faces everywhere without a hint of recognition. Daunted, yes, but we proceeded. New social situations have never been, and quite possibly never will be, my stronghold. Nor Jacob's. Mommy, on the other hand, is a social butterfly even if she refuses to admit it. We were thrust - and I use the term literally (lol) - into the group and began playing games for the next couple of hours.


The first person I remember meeting was a boy wearing camo jeans - which I especially noticed due to my obsession with them at the time. He told us his name, but afterwards both Jacob and I forgot it, so we simply called him "the boy with the camo pants". Later, we learned his name was Mitch.

Lilac, Beeb, and me

The second meeting I recall happened after P.E. Mommy temporarily abandoned us for the restroom, leaving me alone amongst a throng of strangers...or partial strangers, I suppose I had met some people by this time. But anyway, I realized that I was being ridiculously anti-social, so I approached the first person I saw: a girl, about my age, wearing a blue shirt and basketball shorts similar to the ones I liked to wear. She was watching two boys - her brothers - roll down a hill. In fact, it came to my knowledge that everyone was rolling down this hill. People were everywhere, rolling around in the grass. At a loss for better words, I put on a confused smile and said, "Do you know what's going on here?" It was a pretty lame introduction and I forget what happened directly after that. All I remember is that the girl joined my softball team shortly after that and the two of us became the best of friends. Her name? Well, I will call her "Beeb".


This story has become very long, and probably boring to you. Apologies. You see, these events are incredibly important to me because without them, my life would be a great deal - to enormous degree - emptier. I shall attempt to hastily bring it all together.


Yes, I made one friend that day, perhaps even two. But through those two people, via a bible study group Beeb's mom organized, I was introduced to Beeb's best friend, whom I will call "Lilac", as well as a host of other people who are now very good friends. Our homeschool group grew both in body and in our hearts. Today, my mom is co-leader.


My friends are so amazing. That may sound like a corny statement - like I don't get out much or something - but it really is true. Through them, I have been able to grow as a person and as a Christian. The insecurities I faced during those past years faded because I knew I didn't have to be different in order to be liked.

Overall, my prayers in 2006 were answered...and God continues to answer it everyday of my life. I am reminded constantly through my friends that He does listen to me. He didn't leave me hanging when I needed something. My heart was empty, He filled it.


So yeah. That is one of the best experiences I can remember. There are others...one involving a fateful trip to the Downtown Aquarium...but I shall save it for another day.


One last thing: up above, I said I prayed for two things. The other being horseback riding lessons. Well... also through the homeschool group, the opportunity arose for me to finally take lessons! I rode for three years at the YMCA, fulfilling one of my life-long dreams.


God is pretty awesome.

17 October 2011 (The Temptation to Pretend)

Dear Diary, 17 October 2011

In this life, we will have troubles. But we are to take heart because God has overcome our troubles, and now we belong to Him. He has forgiven us for all our misdeeds and sins.

One sin that I often commit is that of neglect. I tend to neglect things all the time! Like this blog. If anyone is reading this, then I apologize for my forgetfulness and, I shall admit, my avoidance. Sometimes I feel under qualified or that I don’t have anything anyone will want to read about anyway. But that doesn’t matter. We aren’t called to follow Christ because it’s going to make us famous. We’re supposed to do it not just for others but for our own hearts as well. There may be nobody else who reads this entry except me, but the fulfillment that I get through doing it could be all God has planned for me in the first place. So I will commit myself, today – because it is a commitment I must make daily! – to being a faithful servant for the Lord, and, if He wants to today, let Him speak through me.

The Temptation to Pretend

This issue has come up a lot lately for me. Not just at church, in my life, in my friends’ lives, and in my family’s lives. The more and more I hear pastors and youth leaders talk about it, I see it more clearly. I am a total fraud! There is a wrongness about acting like somebody you’re not, and although I feel that wrongness at times, I dismiss it because I am so busy keeping up the façade. It’s hard to not try and act like other people so that they will notice you. Often, it even feels wrong to not try and conform so that others will befriend you or talk to you. Being alone seems like the worst option, but perhaps that is what you are supposed to be.

There are girls that I know who are godly young ladies; they love Jesus and each other, but still I feel this aura of pretend around them. Maybe it’s just the fact that I am so different from them that I feel like I have to be somebody else in order to be around them. Regardless, I constantly have to guard myself against that.

Being authentic in who you are is so freeing! Jesus died for me. He looked at my ugly sin and the fact that I constantly try to cover up who He has made me and He still loves me. That is truly amazing. If He could see the darkest side of my heart and still say “I will die for that girl”, then I am free no matter what anyone else thinks.

This doesn’t make the difficulties go away. I will still struggle, and fail, in this area. But another of the many promises God has given us is that when we blow it – even big time – He will be there to help us out. He has also given me some amazing friends, whom I love dearly, and who I know I can be myself around.