In the Beginning, There was Grace

"We, as Christians, can take times of hardship and allow them to distance us from God OR we can acknowledge that He is sovereign and continue to honor Him even when things don't go our way. This is certainly difficult to do and we have times in which we don't necessarily feel all happy and peaceful inside as we would like. Sometimes the best we can do is say 'Father, I'm in pain and I don't understand why this is happening. But I trust You in the good times and the bad and I ask that you would be with us through this hardship'."

-Jake Pendleton, father of Baby Jude

Over the course of the last six weeks, as Ryan and I eagerly anticipated our 18 week ultrasound, I have become highly sensitive to any and every story involving babies. We have celebrated the pending adoption of Emerson, a baby girl brought to live with her half brother and their wonderful family. We have cried with some of Ryan's friends as they face a very similar situation to the one we faced when they told us our baby had a cystic hygroma. Though I have never met them in person, I know how that feels, to have your worst fears come true.

Source

Lastly, we have been following the incredible struggle of a baby boy from Dothan, Alabama whose airways will not allow him to breathe on his own. For weeks, we have prayed for and watched the posts about Baby Jude, but yesterday his father posted that he was not doing well and the hospital has encouraged him to come to the NICU despite his own illness.

Seeing the struggles these other families have endured has encouraged us that we are not alone in our wait and that there is still hope! As Jude's father put it, "Sometimes the best we can do is say 'Father, I'm in pain and I don't understand why this is happeneing. But I trust You in the good times and the bad and I ask that you would be with us through this hardship.'" That is so hard to do sometimes when it means holding out everything that you love in your hands and opening them up to give them back to the Lord. Ryan has used this analogy when we pray, saying, "Lord, please let us hold everything with open hands." I want my heart to do that, to give freely back to the Lord even when I don't understand.

source

Last Monday, Ryan and I went to the doctor for the ultrasound we had been praying we would be able to reach. After the genetic counselor had given us so many possible outcomes in April, we were nervous for our little one. How would the baby look? Would it be whole? How would the day end? So many questions rattled our brains as we went into the little room with the sonogram equipment. 

Ryan held my hand as the technician put the gel on my tummy and told us that she would not be able to tell whether or not things on the ultrasound look good. We would need to wait for the doctor to answer our questions. Soon after, we caught our first glimpse of our tiny baby in nearly two months. Tears came to my eyes seeing our little one squirming and rolling around. Silently, I sent about a dozen new prayers up to the Lord.

Despite her previous declaration that she would be unable to label anything as "good" or "bad", I think the technician sensed our nervousness and ended up saying things like, "That's good." Since it was an anatomy ultrasound, her job was to label the different body parts. We got to see our baby's pinky fingers, toes, elbows, and the nose Ryan says looks like me already. The tech asked if we want to know the sex, and we said we did. Just as I had suspected, we are having a baby girl!

During the sonogram, the nurse came in with the results of the noninvasive prenatal test I had done two weeks prior. She excitedly told me that they had come back negative for Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 13, and Trisomy 18, the most feared of the chromosomal abnormalities. A weight shifted off my chest to know that our baby did not (most likely) have anything wrong with her genetic code. The doctor later explained to us that this particular test did not check directly for Turner's Syndrome, but that the lab states they will report any abnormal findings with regard to sex chromosomes. Because there was nothing in the results to suggest such findings, we can assume that the baby's chromosomes appeared to be normal. Beyond that, the doctor, who we had never seen before, told us that upon looking at our ultrasound images, if he had not known the baby's previous diagnosis, he would have told us we have a healthy looking baby girl. Even though she is measuring a little on the small side, her fluid levels are down to normal.

The whole visit was a whirlwind - I left feeling like I'd just ran a race. My heart raced and my breath was labored. As soon as we got into the car, I burst into tears. I'm still in awe of how this could have happened, how we could get such a devestating report one day, and then weeks later get nearly an opposite one. I am still trying to understand how our baby seems to be healthy while so many other babies are not. In my head, I know the answer, that God's will is perfect and not always the way we want it to be. But in my heart, I am still struggling to accept this. The Lord is continuously working in me to be at peace in His arms. I know He is holding baby Jude there along with our little girl.

This pregnancy, while still only 19 weeks along, has been a journey through which God has taught us more than I had possibly imagined. It is still difficult for me to process because my mind wants to put the Lord's will into a box that makes sense to me. But I know it doesn't work like that. And I am forced to remember Jake Pendleton's words. The Lord is Sovereign, and it is our delight to honor Him in the good times and the bad times because He is always there for us. That is truly the point.

Baby Jude during the beginning of his stay at the Boston hospital
Baby Jude's Go Fund Me

More than anything, Ryan and I desire for our daughter and for all of our future children to serve the Lord with their lives. Even though she has been in the world for such a short time, our baby girl has already touched so many and been touched by countless prayers and blessings. She has felt the hand of the Lord heal her, a physical act that mirrors the grace that God has always shown to His people. From The Fall to The Cross, Grace has been evident and continues to work in the lives of people like Emerson, like Jude, like all babies with cystic hygromas, and like us.

We wanted our baby's name to reflect this manifestation of love, so we have chosen the name Genesis Grace. Genesis because it means, "In the beginning," and Grace because from the very beginning, there was grace. 

In Just a Moment

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

-The Fellowship of the Ring

Some moments in life make you forget how fleeting it is. They're sweet, and full, and trick you into believing that all of it lasts forever. Other moments are stark reminders that this place is not our home, and a lot of the time, these moments hurt.

There is no blame to shift for these moments. In fact, they are gifts from God so that we don't become too comfortable down here on this earth. They can be confusing though. You are suddenly left dazed and wondering what just happened and how you could have been so blissfully oblivious seconds before.

Ryan and I had one of those moments. After seeing the ultrasound of our twelve-week old baby for the first time, we were absolutely thrilled. We sat in the doctor's office, waiting for the doctor for about thirty minutes, but we didn't care. She could take all day. We were having a baby, and on the little pictures we held in our hands, it looked perfect.

Then the doctor appeared. She apologized for taking a long time, then sat down and said something that changed our lives from that moment on: "There is an abnormality in your baby's ultrasound." It was like my worst fear had been realized - there was something wrong with our baby. Ryan came and stood next to me, holding my hand. I don't know if he did that for me or for his own comfort. The doctor went on to explain what this "abnormality" was and what it could imply for our little one. As she spoke, I could feel a grip around my heart tightening and my stomach turned. I thank God for the artificial calm He gave me in that room so that I didn't break down as the doctor spoke to us.

Cystic hygroma. The doctor was not an expect on the topic (probably because the chances of having a cystic hygroma during pregnancy is 0.2-1%), so she promptly made us an appointment with a specialist at Texas Children's Hospital. I could hardly believe that our little baby was hardly twelve weeks old and already we were going to see a fetal specialist.

The genetic counselor explained in more detail what we already had researched after our first appointment. A cystic hygroma is the result of toxins being unable to leave the baby's body, so they form cysts (pockets of fluid beneath the baby's skin, like big blisters). Our baby's spans from its head to its butt, and the counselor counted about three of them. The cysts themselves are not the most alarming issue, although they can cause lethal stress to the baby. Rather, they are the result of an underlying, and oftentimes more serious, issue such as a chromosome disorder, a heart defect, a problem with the lymphatic system, or a recessive gene disorder. Each of these possibilities has its own host of statistics, none of which were positive.

What a surreal experience. I never thought that at twenty years old I would be sitting with my husband across a table from a lady telling us that there is a good chance our unborn baby will have Turner's Syndrome, Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, Trisomy 16, or a fatal heart disorder. Of course, nobody expects for these times to come. As Gandalf wisely said to Frodo, "...so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to deide is what to do with the time that is given us."

Desperate for some kind of ray of hope, Ryan finally said to the genetic counselor, "Isn't there a possibility at all that something could just not be developed all the way? I mean, the baby is so small..." The lady nodded, "Yes, of course, it could be that something just has a kink in it, and as the baby grows it will correct itself and you'll have a perfectly healthy baby. But that is usually not the case with a cystic hygroma." So there it was. Our tiny, almost impossible chance.

Since that Tuesday, we have met life a day at a time. Some evenings after a tiring day or being nauseaus and having to explain to everyone that, "Yes, I am pregnant, but the baby has this problem..." I can only come home and burst into tears. Looking at that sweet baby's profile, it kills me to think that I may never get to hold it or kiss its cute little nose or get to know its wonderful personality. But I feel like I need to explain it to people. Maybe so that they understand a little better where I am coming from. Ryan and I are in a strange limbo where we love our baby more than anything, but we can't exactly expect to have a healthy baby. The list of possibilities looms dauntingly over our heads no matter how positive we choose to be. Ryan has been the best at this. He has his moments when it gets too heavy for him, too, but God has given him a strength that allows him to encourage me and to give me hope when I'm starting to lose it.

It's confusing becuase I don't know if I am to trust that God is going to answer my prayers with a resounding yes, or if I am to be assured with the promise that my baby is in His hands. Of course, I truly know that it is the second one, but knowing that the odds are against us takes my breath away. I have to cling to that promise that the Lord has our baby, and He is going to protect it no matter what. That, I do believe.

So now, we are waiting for the next two weeks to pass so we can go to the doctor and hear the heartbeat again. We look forward to that appointment with both hope and dread. Every day, I wonder if the baby is still alive inside me or if I've already lost it and don't know. Ryan and I desire to hear that heartbeat so badly! The Lord is definitely sustaining us, and our marriage has become stronger because of this period of trials we have been enduring. We know we are not worse off than most, so for that we are thankful. And we have each other, so whatever happens, we will be alright. :) The Lord is in control.

"Be strong, and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The LORD will do what is good in his sight.”

2 Samuel 10:12

The Process of being Human

Two weeks ago today, I was standing on the other side of a door wearing a white dress, holding a bouquet, and wanting so badly to peek through the blinds to see my fiance standing at the other end of the aisle. 

Oh the adrenaline. Thankfully, I successfully walked down the aisle, under the gaze of 200 or so guests, without incident to meet the man who would soon become my husband. 

Jana Kay Photography

What a picture of beauty and perfection. Even with all of the little things that went wrong, no one could look at our wedding, at our union, and say that it was not a pleasing and good thing. God's will is always pleasing, good, and perfect (Rom. 12:2). On that day, I could feel God's mercy radiating down on me like never before, making me the happiest bride there ever was. :)

Fast forward two weeks.

People ask me how it feels to be married now... I tell them it is wonderful, and it is! Ryan and I sharpen one another, as  Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." In my last post, "Perfect Love", I talked about how unperfect we both are, and how the Lord uses that to continually make us more like Him.

Jana Kay Photography

This is a process that will endure until the day that we die. As Philippians 1:6 reads, "...[be] confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completiong until the day of Christ Jesus."

The trap is forgetting that this is an ongoing process. Unfortunately I didn't wake up the day after getting married to realize, "Oh my goodness, now I am the perfect wife!" Instead, what I have found is that I am completely and utterly HUMAN! And thus incapable of such perfection.
Well rats.

Wrong. I need to remember that it is a process that requires first transformation by the Lord and second continual renewing by the Holy Spirit. Messing up doesn't mean I have failed, it is merely a reminder that He who began a good work in me is still working on me! Thank God there is hope for me when I turn making spaghetti dinner into a three hour process!!

source

Romans 12:2: "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will."

Patterns of this world =  relying on myself to meet my needs. My needs are basically summed up by Genesis 3:16, "'...Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'" I want Ryan to be happy. I want him to come home from work every day to a clean apartment, a delicious dinner, and a flawless wife, but I'm not perfect. (This is a shocker, I know.) I have to realize that Ryan's love for me, because it is grounded in Christ, will never fail, just as God's love and mercy never fail.

Saint Augustine beautifully explained it in these words, "Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it find its rest in thee." I can't be the perfect wife. I can't always be good or pleasing to Ryan. But both of us are constantly in the process of being renewed by the Holy Spirit, and because of that, we can find rest for our restless hearts. ♥

Jana Kay Photography

Perfect Love

My goodness, how life can change in the blink of an eye.

It seems that it was just a couple months ago that I was weeping over my heart being broken by a silly boy who I had crushed on for about three years. I can still remember the day I met my friend, Jessy, but I can't exactly remember the first time I met her brother. Back then I never saw what was coming, but everything has been such a beautiful picture of how God's plan for our lives is so far superior to our own.

On May 2nd, my boyfriend of then ten months, asked me a very important question. 

The past year has been a whirlwind in which I have had to hold on tightly to God's word and His promises at all times. Like those old merry-go-rounds at the park where someone would spin you and you'd have to hang on for dear life, if I let go for just one moment and decide to lean on my own wisdom (apart from God's), the result would be a painful landing and a stabbing regret.

As much as this falling sucks, it is the most vivid example of how deeply we need a Savior. Before we even started dating, Ryan and I were strong Christians, but this relationship thing has shown us that we knew nothing! How humbling is that?? 

We make each other the most angry and the most happy; we are the cause of the most joy and the most pain for one another; we have to come togther but keep God as the center or else we have nothing to hold us together. Love is a kind of paradox that makes no sense unless you look at it through the eyes of Jesus.

There are times when being engaged is the scariest thing in the world. There is this other person for whom you will soon be responsible, to love, to care, to feed, to give shelter...

1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." This verse causes a lump to rise in my throat because it strikes so close to home.

It is very true that there is no fear in love, but it is also true that perfect love cannot derrive from anything I can create. Perfect love can only come from one place, as anything perfect ever can. The only way to find this perfect love is to go to your knees.

Ryan likes for us to pray together on our knees, and as strange as it was to me at first, I now see that it is engaging your entire body in a posture that asks for grace and mercy. A begging position. That is what we are, after all. Beggars.

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust. You are making me new." Those words from the Gungor song are so true. The dust that is our lives is made new by the Lord when we ask Him for grace and forgiveness. 

It is only through this perfect love that Ryan and I can experience no fear in our relationship, and that is not by anything that he or I have done, but it has everything to do with how great a God we have!

"In the Beginning"

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty,; darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."

So it begins.

Ever notice how the Bible starts? It doesn't begin with "In the beginning, there was nothing but God." It doesn't say that because nothing is something - nothing means the absence of something, and there was no absence of anything before the world was created. It was just God, and that was all that need be.

But then God decided to create something out of the lack of nothing. He chose to make something that did not need to be made, something that could only add to the existence of Himself. He made the world. He made us, you, me, that weird neighbor with all the cats, the coworker who is never to work on time.

Why?

What a question. There was a reason that God decided to make mankind, and it wasn't because He was bored. After creating the world and the animals, He said "This is good." When He got to man, He made him in his own image: the image of God, the creator, the one who was, is, and is to come because He never ends! What an amazing thing... To think that you are the image of the Lord.

It was completely intentional and practical. The world needed a caretaker, and the only one fit for the job was someone who could do the job that God does. Of course not to the same extent, but man was told to "be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground." God gave us everything, and He told us to take care of it.

Some days are rough and it feels like life is falling apart, but then there are those little things that make life spring up inside you. Like a small plant bursting through the soil towards the sunlight, these small things are reminders that we are to take care of what we have because we have been given it to care for. When blessed with so much beauty, the least we can do is take the responsibility of nurturing it. ♥

Just Temporary Bliss?

Today on Pandora, I heard a song called "Temporary Bliss". As I listened to The Cab singing away, I noticed how profound the lyrics were. The song, while not the best pop song ever written, had a meaningful and deeply penetrating message. When I stopped to think about what the songwriter had meant and what the singer must feel, I was moved almost to tears. Not because it was a romantic song, but because it this song clearly conveys the use it and throw away mentality that we use in relationships today and the very real hurt that results from such a relationship.

"I can't keep touchin' you like this

If it's just temporary bliss

Just temporary bliss"

Anybody who knows how guys think will know that physical touch is a profoundly meaningful thing. One touch can set a guy off. Actually, you don't even have to touch a guy to make him want a girl. But these lyrics tell of the meaning behind that initial physical desire. Besides the yearning for physical intimacy, guys want to know that this love is real and that it is forever.

The poor guy singing this song is trapped in love with a girl who he is begging to give him some ounce of reassurance. "Tell me what's the point of doin' this every night? What you're givin' me is nothin' but a heartless lullaby." This song is heartbreaking - we want the sweet guy singing to his girl to find love and to find it forever. Why?

It's interesting that this song was written by a bunch of guys. The Cab and The Messenger (who co-wrote) collaborated to create this song from the deepest part of man's soul. While society and popular culture will make you think that guys only want one thing, have we ever stopped to wonder why that may be? Is it truly wrong for a man to want a woman and to keep wanting her day after day? Maybe there is something deeper at work here than sex and romance. Maybe people were made to be together every day, and I mean in all ways, emotionally, socially, physically, spiritually.

It's evident that woman feel the same way. Look at any romance film, read a cheesy love novel, or find a teenage girl to pour her heart out to you. Because girls express themselves more openly, they are often willing to admit that they want a love that will last forever and that will bring them fulfillment. The Indigo Girls sang, "And the closer I'm bound in love to you, the closer I am to free." Check Rihanna's song "Only Girl (In the World)":

"I want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world

Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love

Like I'm the only one who knows your heart 

Only girl in the world."

Hmmmm, this is sounding an awful lot like what Paul wrote about in Ephesians: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." (Talk about I'll catch a grenade for ya). On the other hand, a little bit before the part on husbands, it says, "Wives, submit yourrselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord."

Now settle down there, ladies, that doesn't mean we are slaves to our husbands or boyfriends. It means that men require respect, honor, and obedience (recognition that they are authorities and sources of strength and support). It's how they are made, and in order for any relationship to work out, these two components (wives loved, husbands respected) has to be occurring. Eminem's song "25 to Life" bluntly conveys the heart of a man (I've edited out the explatives), "Look at how I dress, baggy sweats, go to work a mess - always in a rush to get back to you. I aint heard you yet, not even once, say you appreciate me. I deserve respect." Now maybe Mr. Marshall Mathers is missing the "love your wives" part, but he is honestly expressing the male desire to be respected and seen as an authority.

This isn't a cultural thing either. In a Psychology Today article, it says that "Ratings of passion were higher in American than Chinese couples, but rating of intimacy and commitment did no differ." Ancient literature contains countless stories of gods, goddesses, heroes, warriors, vikings, and other types of individuals who declare war, fight, steal, pillage, and kill all because of a love wronged. I don't know about you, but to me it's looks like we're missing something here, folks.

 Psalm 139 says "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thought from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways." I'm not sure that Eminem would read these words and let them go to heart, but they are truly getting to the crux of what he and everyone else in this world wants: to be loved. To be loved, and for that love to last forever.

Risk

"If there were a choice - and he suspected there was - a choice between, on the one hand, the heights and the depths and, on the other hand, some sort of safe, cautious middle way, he, for one, here and now chose the heights and the depths."
-A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken

Not long ago, my brother and I and some of our friends were walking on a bike trail. The trail runs along a creek, and some of the trees grow so that their branches hang over the water below. This particular time, the water level was not too high. We came upon a tree with a good sized branch arching over, and the temptation was too great. I climbed up on it and inched further and further out on the limb. My brother anxiously cautioned me all the way, and the further I went, the more worried he became that I would fall. Naturally, being older, I did not intend to listen to him, but his doubts shook my own confidence. Looking at the tree branch, if I went further I would have the victorious satisfaction of having climbed nearly over the entire creek. Of course, there was also the possibility that my brother's fears would be realized, and I would fall to an embarrassing and painful injury. There was risk, and I had to weigh the possible gain with the possible consequences.

Risk. My mother, famous for her proverbs, always told us, "If you doubt, don't." That seems simple enough. What she failed to explain to us, however, is that so much of life is uncertain. Doubt does not only occur when I encounter a crossroads. Sometimes it is not a one-or-the-other decision, but a vague sense of doubt which I cannot exactly define.

Living life trying to do the right thing sometimes ends up feeling like a track runner going around and around in a circle without any breaks. After awhile, the runner realizes that he has broken his own record countless times. What purpose is there to keep going? The track doesn't seem to lead anywhere per se. This is a life without risk.

And it is like writing a book. I don't know if you have ever tried to sit down and put together a masterpiece, but the more into a plot you go (or at least it is this way for me), the more complicated it becomes. There are infinite possibilities, but you feel there is only one way for you to make this perfect. One way in which it all goes together. This is a life with too much risk to choose from.

These two things, a sense of monotony and of finding the one right way to behave, drive me to fear risk. Risk is the variable you never calculate. Risk is the possibility that you could fail or you could win the lottery. Most of the time, I avoid risk. It seems an unnecessary gamble to trifle with. But surprisingly, I have found that avoiding risk does not reduce doubt. In fact, many instances show the opposite to be true, that doubt increases as risk decreases.

Black and white may exist in pictures or in old movies or on checkerboards, but rarely is it evident in making decisions. Or maybe it is, but we are too distracted by the colors of our world to realize it. I am always so concerned with making the right decision, that when a decision is made, I often have a lingering sense of doubt. Did I make the right decision? Should I have chosen black this time, or was white the better choice? I fail to realize that a lot of the time, good comes with bad. I will not always make the right decision, but that does not mean that I should be wary of every choice I do make. The world will keep on turning if I blow it, and walking on eggshells and avoiding risks will not guarantee a "safe" life. What it will guarantee is a lot of emotional taxation and monotonous living. Yes, a decision can have disastrous results because a risk, prudent or imprudent, was taken, but the ultimate outcome, however, is out of our control.

Genesis tells the well-known story of Joseph's brothers selling him to merchants (an obvious lapse in judgement on their part) and of his eventual and amazing rise to power in a strange land that he had entered as a piece of property. Years after Joseph reveals his true identity to his brothers, they are still haunted by the decision they had made against him. After their father's death, the brothers feared Joseph's wrath which they felt they justly deserved. I am always staggered Joseph's humble and blunt response to them: "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." How incredible for Joseph to be drawn to a place where he could offer up such a horrible decision and look upon it with thankfulness and gladness.

Joseph did not fear making a wrong decision because he was confident that the Lord would use it all for His purpose. In Dante's Inferno, he rightly says, "A man must stand in fear of just those things that truly have the power to do us harm, of nothing else, for nothing else is fearsome." Nothing else is fearsome but the things that have the power to do us harm. How true and yet how often we forget? I forget that there is only a force of darkness unable to be overcome that must be feared, and that darkness does not exist because it has already been defeated. Isaiah 43:1 says "But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel; 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.'"

If there is risk, if it is thought through carefully and not taken by whimsical or carnal desires, then I believe it is right to be taken. For nothing in life is certain but the love of God, and nothing need be feared when that law is at work for all eternity.