June 27, 2011- (Got Work? - I Care!)

Dear Diary,                 27 June 2011


(Got Work?)
Last week was so busy! Our church's VBS occupied 80% of our lives, the other 20% being consumed by my visiting cousins. One day, Gaby got sick, then on Friday both my mom and I came down with colds. Fortunately I didn't lose my voice like she did, but the two of us were out for several days. During that time, I watched movie after movie, episode of LOST after episode of LOST, and wished I felt better. Then it struck me...if I weren't sick, what would I be doing? VBS was a great chance to put my time to a productive use, but the rest of the time I pretty much just sit around. At least right now, during the summertime. I could argue this point, saying that it is indeed summer and that's what it's for! But then, getting things down and doing some real, hard, dirty work is so satisfying. Once I was determined to clear all the leaves from one side of our house. It was hard, and yes, very dirty, but in the end I was so proud of myself for completing the project. Falling into bed that night, I was able to sleep soundly and contentedly because I knew that I had completed something.
Tonight when I go to sleep, I don't think I'm going to feel content for having finished the co-op on Portal 2 or widening my experience in TF2. It's the physical labor that is so satisfying to me.


(The Temptation to Do Nothing)
Last night I went to a friend's youth group. It was so different from my own church's youth worship, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It was different, and I wouldn't exactly say better, but I enjoyed the way that everyone was simply praising Jesus and not worried about what everyone was thinking or who was watching. Yes, it was big, and there were a lot of people, and yes I did feel a bit intimidated since I only knew three people out of the thirty odd folks who came. However, it was a good experience. The speaker's name was Jeremiah and he had just returned, as is true for several other teams at their church, from a mission trip. He reiterated what many of those youth were feeling: the "spiritual high" that comes with going weeks on end with nothing but Jesus, fellowship, prayer, Bible reading, and more Jesus. Unfortunately, the world, as Jeremiah told us, wants to take this fire away. He urged all of us to move away from distractions that surround us and focus on the one relationship that is above all: the one between me and Jesus. Distractions are everywhere and they come in all shapes and sizes, they can be watching LOST all the time (as I have been struggling with lately), they can be giving in to a negative emotion, or they can simply be doing nothing! One big distraction is merely the temptation to not do what is right (or to do nothing). Being tempted is not a sin, for even Jesus Himself was tempted, but giving in to that temptation is. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Isn't that a great verse?!


(I Care!)
What's the opposite of love? I liked Jeremiah's thoughts on this. He said that it is apathy. When you think about it...yeah. Hate is a powerful emotion, driven by passion, and is usually the result when someone is hurt by something. To be hurt, you must first be invested emotionally and love isn't too far from that. Apathy, however, is not caring one way or the other. Apathetic people, I imagine, as Hitler or Stalin or some other totally evil guy who would have ten people shot without even a wince. Often times, when somebody asks me what I want, I'll say "I don't care." Alright, that isn't a heartless thing to say, but it is wishy-washy. Sometimes I answer that way because I want to pass on the decision making to someone else. So in that case, I really do care. I should instead just say so. "How about you decide." If then the response is "No, you go ahead" then I suppose I should. It's hard sometimes because I don't want to seem bossy. But I don't want to be apathetic either, so from now on I will say "I care!" ^.^

June 2, 2011 (My Thing...Not As Weird As It Sounds - Music)

Today is my little cousin's birthday. Happy #5, Titus! He's my little buddy. We like to throw insults at each other, just for fun. XD
~

Dear Diary,                  June 2, 2011

My thing...not as weird as it sounds

    Where's my thing? Everyone seems to have a thing. My dad's is cooking, my mom's is acting, my friend's is music, my cousin's is phsycology, my brother's is...well, gaming which isn't really a thing it's more of an obsession. I guess my "thing" is writing but then what's the use of writing if noboday ever reads it!?! I'm working, continuously, towards the ideal goal of publishing something. Heh. At the rate I'm going, it'll be another two, three years before I even finish one of my many stories. I've never finished anything. Well, there was this one short story, but it wasn't very good. It's frustrating. It really is. People read my stuff and they're all "That's so good, you're such a talented writer!" But other than that, people, with the exception of a few, don't ever follow up. They don't realize that this is my thing. This is what I possibly want to invest my life in! *sigh* Sorry, like I said, it's just frustrating.

    It's not only other people that I'm upset with either. It's me too, because I can't FINISH ANYTHING!! My thoughts are scattered and when they're all lines up in a row, then I write it down. I'm thinking of starting another blog for my stories but then that's a litte unsafe since peoople can, I don't know, malisciously steal and publish my story and take all the credit.

♪ Music ♪

Music is something I love and I would give anything to be as talented as my friend is. She may try to deny it, but she is super talented. I listen to her and think "Man, this girl's going to go places." She's totally encouraging and bears with me a lot on playing guitar and the like. The other day I was listening to a couple of her songs and it inspired me to write my own. Now, it's been like half a year since I've been able to write any music worth mentioning. This song, though, it's not bad. I like it. Perhaps not worth downloading onto iTunes, but I'm just glad that I can write music again. I've missed it.

May 18, 2011 (Facing a Scary Thing - God Answers)

Dear Diary,      May 18, 2011     (Facing a Scary Thing - God Answers)

What a great day it’s been. I was tired, but my brother and family and friends made it yet another day to remember, like everyday can be. Isn’t it neat that even the most crazy of days, when you literally jump out of bed and into the shower within a matter of seconds, can become a fantastic, resplendent day? Mine began a little hectic. If you didn’t guess already, I really did jump out of bed and into the shower this morning. I didn’t really get all of the schoolwork done that I had scheduled, but I’m not really behind so I’m not worried about it. It was just a chill morning. Well, at least it was in between running around trying to finish school and get ready to go somewhere.

(Facing A SCARY THING!!)

My friends this school year have been going to a speech class. At first I was like “A speech class??” I did not expect for them to like it. Well, shock, shock, they did. I thought about it a lot. See, my life, although while living it seems to be chockfull of activities, is basically redundant. (Not everyday is like today was…I’ll write about that in a minute :p) I wanted to commit to something that would challenge me. My brother’s Civil Air Patrol thing sounded a bit extreme and nothing better came to mind, so I began to consider this speech class. Talking to people one on one isn’t really hard for me unless I’m super tired and this strange thing happens to me where I suddenly CAN NOT SMILE and have to force this totally fake one. But anyway…I gave a speech once in my life and let me tell you, it did not encourage my decisions to try this speech class. It was awful. I got so nervous. Listening to those kids up there, my friend included, some of that nervousness faded away because I could tell I wasn’t the only one who was really nervous. Heck, I wasn’t even speaking and I had butterflies! Everyone was nice and normal, so I believe I’m going to like it.

This longing for something daredevilish to do has been there awhile. I’m not saying that joining a speech class is something people will drop their jaws at say “wow” but it is something daring, in a way. Anxiety is an issue with me, and public speaking makes me anxious and nervous, but I want to fight it, not give in to it. Another thing, speech class will help me with regular day to day talking as well. Pronunciations, getting my thoughts out of my mouth without messing them up. Happens to me every single day. And I hate saying “like” all the time!!

(Random, Amazing…OK I’m Going to Say It…Totally Cute Guy)

So I’m eating dinner outside by my friends’ pool, right? Suddenly, her mom comes hurrying out beckoning to us. “Come in here, you’ve got to see this.” We all rushed after her. Much to our surprise, there at their piano, hammering out an incredible melody, was this…bed mover guy. At first I was like “And why is the guy who delivered your bed playing the piano…?” But when I really checked him out (I did NOT mean it like that)…OK fine, when I really listened…and saw what he looked like…he was very good. His mom had to prompt him, but he ended up playing the Star Wars theme as well, which was equally amazing. As soon as he and his parents (they were the ones who owned this furniture business apparently) had gone, we jumped on YouTube and found his videos and his website. It would be cruel to not reveal who he is, so I’ll go ahead and do it. George Argel. When he’s all famous and everything, I will remember that he was right there in front of me playing Star Wars because I asked him to! How cool is that. Just another day hanging out with my friends.

(My Friends *smiley face*)

I’ll just touch up on this real quick since I need to be shoving off to bed. My friends are seriously awesome. All my really good friends are really close and they’re just…awesome. The way we all help each other, and talk about stuff that I used to think I would never communicate with another person outside my family. It’s just really cool. One family in particular we’ve grown so close to over the past two years. They are the neatest people, really. I thank God all the time that I’m so privileged to know them and be an official unofficial part of their family.

(God Answers)

One of the most amazing things about my friends is that my closest ones came into my life just when I needed them to. I was going through a seriously depressing time in my life around twelve years old. My older friends had trickled down and I didn’t see as much of them and making new friends was becoming increasingly harder (why does that happen when people get older?). My parents encouraged me to pray about it so, without any real expectations, I did. Wow, I never saw what was coming after that. Pretty soon, my mom lugged my bro and I out to this field day thing with a new home school group we had joined. We didn’t want to go simply because the letters P and E were involved and there had been some less than positive P.E. days in our past. It turned out to be pretty fun, however, and when the games were over I found myself standing on this hill watching little kids roll down and waiting for my mom to come back from the restroom. There was a girl, about my age, watching her brothers go down the hill a few feet away. I thought “What the heck, I’ll say hi.” So – I remember this so well – I said, “So, do you know what’s going on here?” That was all. We got to talking and we found out we both played softball. Within the next month we were both on the same team and now she is one of my best friends ever. Through her, I met my other two homies, and through that home school group, the same one my mom had to drag me into, I met several other incredible friends. God does work in mysterious ways. You can never tell when He’s going to complete change your life. Back in those days, I never would have guess that mine would be filled with so much joy and love and laughter as it is now. Sometimes you’ve got to just pray. God’s going to answer.

May 13, 2011 (Feeling Useless?)

Dear Diary,             May 13, 2011

(Feeling Useless?)

Today is Friday the thirteenth. Just thought that was interesting.

Ever have a day – or several, for that matter – when you just feel useless? I have. There are days when I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything important in life. That I play video games and watch TV too often when I should be doing things to actually further mankind. Like what, you may ask? I’m not really sure. Maybe that’s part of the problem. This goes back to what I talked about before…about not knowing what I want to do. If I had a goal then I probably wouldn’t feel so useless. Feeling useless doesn’t help your self-confidence, I’ll tell you that. To be honest, I struggle with self-confidence a lot. Actually lots of the issues I deal with (socializing with people I have little to nothing in common with, being with people you want to know better but don’t because…well you just don’t…why is that? OK different subject) come back to the whole self-confidence thing. It gets so bad sometimes that I question why people like me, and if they really do or if they’re just putting up with me. Because at the moment, I can’t seem to like myself. It’s pathetic, I know. But it’s how I feel. So I guess I am pathetic.

The only way to get self-confidence is to be confident in who I am. Now who am I? *sigh* I’m a sixteen-year old girl who loves to read, write, and have fun. Me in a nutshell. What I didn’t say, though, is that I’m an ultra-sinner who, when she’s not sinning in deed, is sinning in thought by either thinking wrong things or not thinking the things she should be…thinking. What I need is to find my self-worth in something greater than myself. That is God.

OK, I get that Jesus died for my sins. Now I’m asking, why? Why does He care that much about me? Jesus can die on the cross and give me life, but what can I really give Him? I don’t have anything that He doesn’t already have. Just choosing to bring Him into my heart…is that it? That’s pretty lame, if you ask me. “Oh yeah, sure, come and rescue me from damnation. Why not?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I doubt the existence of God or question the significance of Jesus’ sacrifice. What I am saying is that I don’t understand it. Is that frank enough?

Maybe it’s because I don’t really feel I’m doing what I was made to do. When things stop doing what they’re made to do, they’re broken, right? Well maybe when humans don’t do what they’re made to do, then they’re broken…or confused or whatever you want to call it. So what am I made for…? Let’s go back to Sunday School class. Catechism #1: Q: What is the chief end of man? A: To glorify God and enjoy Him forever. People are always searching for ways to make life easier and more pleasurable to them. iPods, GPS’s, laptops, email, cell phones, automatic things like garage and car doors. We justify these inventions by saying they’re “cool”, “convenient”, and/or “safer”. The truth? Life was just as “cool”, “convenient”, and/or “safe” before those inventions were around, people just dealt with it. If you’ll notice, mankind complains just as much in the 21^st century as they during the 40-year exile of the Israelites in Genesis. My point is hidden in all this. My point is that we need to look past ourselves. God gave us a gift, but we don’t need to focus on that part. What we need to focus on is…not really “paying back” God, but rather doing things to exalt Him. More like thanking Him. That’s right, we’re thanking God for His Son. Underline the “To glorify God” part instead of the “enjoy Him forever”. Don’t completely throw out the last part, that’s very important too. God wants us to be happy loving and thanking Him. Still, avert attention for yourself (and myself).

How do I give glory to God in an adequate manner? No act is big enough to warrant God’s attention. Ah, no act. 1 Samuel 16:7 says “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” When we’re doing things to bring Him glory what we sometimes fail to realize is that it isn’t the actual act that makes Him smile, it’s the heart behind it. That’s why there’s no act too small or too big that we can do for the Lord, so long as we have the right attitude. In summary, we can give God the glory He expects – and even demands – by giving Him of the wholest part of ourselves: our hearts.

At the end of the Gospel of Mark, Jesus straight up tells everyone what they should do. “Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.” (Mark 16:15) We should be out there in the world, preaching the good news to ALL creation! Not because it’s a nice thing to do, but because it’s what we were made to do and because it is what God commanded us. My mom always tells me that obedience is the best gift. So I want to give God the gift of my heart and my compliance.

I don’t know what God wants me to do with this heart of mine (or my obedience, for that matter), but I have to trust Him that the answer will be made known to me. On an episode of Adventures in Odyssey, one of the characters, Tom, said “Keep your eyes and ears open, and God will help you work it out.”

May 4, 2011 So...what do I do with my life? - I could do better

Today is my birthday. Yay! I'm officially 16 now, though for the past week or so I've pretty much considered myself 16 already. It's really strange to be...well, so old!

~

Dear Diary, May 4, 2011

(So...what do I do with my life?)

Now that I'm finishing up school people start asking what my plans for college and so forth are. Frankly, I don't have any! I'm just focusing on getting school done for the summer, and taking care of the other things I have to do. Where does time go, anyhow? It feels like I'm always doing something, and yet I can't think of what it is I'm doing! I want to do something substantial; you know, that will make a difference. Guess I'm still trying to figure out what that is. At times I think it's writing. I love writing stories - and have plenty of books "in progress" - but if I haven't finished any of them, then what good are they doing? A few of my closest friends have been granted the privilege of reading some of them but still...

Then people tell me I should do something with kids. I love kids! They're so funny and fun to play with. I'm not sure about babysitting as a career though. I have a hard time with discipline and that stuff. I rather just play and have a good time! Yeah, I know. Real responsible.
(I could do better)
There are so many things that I feel I don't do as well as I should. Like school, cleaning the house,  being a sister, a best friend. School I can get all fired up about but then when it gets really frustrating I go "What the heck!" and just breeze through it without a second glance - my friends tease me about my "I've done it, and it's done" attitude. That's not really a good thing most of the time because not checking means missed problems and thus a grade average drop. :( Why can't I just focus like a normal person, study as I am supposed to, and get a nice A+ like a good little student?

Cleaning the house...just like with school, I can get into it for a time. "Alright, I'm going to CLEAN THIS HOUSE!" then after a restless night's sleep and a grouchy good-morning from Brother Dear, I'm all, "Why do I have to be the one to do everything??"

OK as for the sister and friend part. I get really fed up sometimes, but then I also know that everyone has things about them that are annoying. Everyone is going to bug you at one time or another. I feel like such a mean person sometimes when he's not being mean and I still act like...well, a snob. That's pretty high up on my "Things-To-Constantly-Pray-About" list.

Friends...I get obsessed worrying about if I'm being a good friend. If I'm being to selfish, if I'm not listening or speaking up when I should. My friends (particularly my best ones, Jagi, Clark, Lilac, and so on) are awesome and they tell me I'm a good friend. Still...there are some things that you don't fully believe, even if everyone in the world tells you its true. You have to believe it yourself. A big part about that is self confidence, and God really has to help me with that 24/7

~

Thank you, all my amazing family and friends, for being soooo sweet and for loving me even though I mess up sometimes and may even act a little looney (most of the time that's just when I'm really tired though). Love you all!

February 3, 2011 ("Thanks Dad..." to "Writing and the Emotions Thereof")

Ah, Easter time. Before this week I don't think I really understood - or realized - even thought about how important Easter Sunday is. It is the summit of the ENTIRE CHRISTIAN FAITH! Not a little thing. It was, like in Tale of Two Cities, the best of times and the worst of times. During church, I was sitting smack dab in the middle of my family, who filled an entire pew. We were singing: I could hear my aunt and cousin beside me. When some people put their hands up in the air, my little cousin imitated them with the biggest smile you've ever seen on his face. It was one of those moments when you feel like everything is perfect. What a great day that was!

~

Here is an entry from February...bear in mind that this is kind of like a diary so sometimes I get really heated about things so...yeah. Just remember that. :)

February 3, 2011

Thanks Dad... [^.^]

Is there harm in being strong in how you feel? I don’t want to seem like a marshmallow that can be pushed around and told what to do and how to feel. Maybe I am going a bit off the subject that I want to discuss, but I had to establish that. It is the key catalyst in the arguments I have with my brother; being a…male, he was born with the natural ability to possess certain traits that are superior to that of mine. That is unless I really worked at it and I don’t have the time to lift weights so I can beat him in an arm-wrestle or spend hour upon hour on a certain RPG so that I can get a better kill-streak than he can. So on top of his enormous male ego – which I have been colliding with often lately – and his lifelong quest to surpass me in everything, he has been overall unbearably arrogant lately! My father completely failed in supporting me…well, he was more trying to clear up the argument than taking sides. He explained that women were “weaker vessels” and in turn needed protection from men and not wrath. Brother dear took this idea and ran. Now I am the “weaker vessel” in everything. Sometimes I would really just like to put him on his face…but of course I don’t because that would be a childish waste of my time. Plus I’d get in trouble.

On Sensitivity

On a larger scale, the issue that I wanted to address has virtually nothing to do with my brother but with the subject of sensitivity. I despise it! If I could do away with it then I would. Sensitivity is what makes my mom and I get into fights about half the time. She is so sensitive! I’ll admit I have my moments too, especially when it comes to my brother. But with her it’s like she is a bottle. Yes, I know, bear with me on this analogy: she’s a bottle that is nearly constantly being filled with criticism and sarcastic jokes from my brother so that if I attribute so much as a exasperated sigh to the mix, it over flows and guess who gets the heat? It isn’t always me, I know. Just yesterday there was an explosion between Mommy and my brother over the things I listed above: criticism and sarcasm as well as a generous supply of poor judgment on his part. But such has been the way amongst us since the beginning: I remember always trying to be that peaceful representative between the two of them. Just a week ago, Daddy admitted he wanted me around because I acted as somewhat of a buffer from my increasingly obnoxious brother.

Brother and Sister

It is odd, my relationship with him. Even humorous. I’ve noticed that I can tell him to do something automatically without thinking of how maternally instructive it may sound and he unconsciously does it. Sometimes, though, he does notice and then comes that tired lecture of how I’m “always telling him what to do”. Actually sometimes that can be a problem. If it’s just the two of us, or if we’re alone with friends, then he may choose to disregard my warnings or blatant forbidding of him to do something that I know would get him into trouble. I don’t want to be a tattle-tell so lots of the time I just file it away in case I need it later. He’s not all bad though. We have our moments when we can be the best of friends. It takes my not being ignorant and his not being so arrogant.

Lost in the Shuffle

My family says that I don’t show emotion well, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. Sometimes I’m so moved by an act of love from someone else that I just want to jump up and down and give them a big hug. But alas, that just isn’t me. I’m physically unable to truly express how I feel in actions. In writing, it’s possible. Never in actions though. Besides, I don’t think that even if I were to accomplish it that it would be received in the manner which I wanted it to. There are times when I feel utterly disregarded. Everyone is so wrapped up in the pressures of work, the cries from the messy house, their lack of sleep, their various aches and pains of different sorts, that sometimes my affectionate expressions are lost in the shuffle. I’m not much for hugs, but I do administer them when I want to show that I really care. However, I don’t think that anyone else realizes that. OK, to be honest there are times when a friendly hug is unavoidable or I may even initiate one to avoid awkwardness, but the ones that really mean something I don’t just hand out. Even my words, especially my words, sound so fake on my tongue at times. “I really appreciate you, Mommy.” In a story, those words would be enough to get an “ahhh” or even a stray tear, but in real life it isn’t like that. The only way I feel like I have sufficiently expressed myself is when I write.

Writing and the Emotions Thereof

I love writing so much! It is just as Anne Frank said: the God-given ability allows one to express what is on one’s heart and mind in a single beautiful language (the language part was mine J). This brings me to another subject: my writing. When I create a story, I don’t just make up these people from randomness. No, I’m quite sure that in every story ever written the characters featured within are real entities! Maybe they’re not truly intelligent beings who can walk and talk and interact with humans on a regular bases, but they come to a person’s mind as a person: with a past, a present, and a future. Sometimes a writer isn’t sure about how that person’s life has, is, or is going to be like; this is widely referred to as “writer’s block”. The easy remedy for this in story-writing is to get to know the characters more. It’s amazing what one can discover about a character! For instance, right now my heroine is a stubborn teenager who doesn’t want to become queen. Flora walked into my mind one day while I was doing school and I had virtually nothing to do with the matter! It isn’t that I’m incredibly imaginative; it’s just that my mind is open wider than some. My point? Well I have strayed from it, but it is that when you discover a character and truly begin to get to know it, you become friends with it. It becomes part of you because the pen is a character’s only link from the imaginary world to the real one. Forever, a writer is bound to his or her story through this link.

Alright, now to what I've been trying to get at! I experience this bond between character and writing too. That’s how I’m able to adequately explain this happenstance. Constantly, I have those characters in my head. Sometimes they make themselves known and sometimes they’re shy and require my prompting before they’ll actually come out and play. But it all ends the same: I have a relationship with these characters. As it is with all relationships, I want them to be shared. I want my best friend to be friends with my aunt, and I want my friend’s brother to get along with my little cousin. That’s how it works. Well the same goes with my unembodied acquaintances as well (“unembodied” isn’t a word as it turns out, but it works so well in proving my point that I have to leave it). I want my parents, to be specific, to know my characters. There it is! See, I told you I’d finally get to the point.

November 29, 2010

I've never had a blog before so this is all new to me. Probably no one will end up reading it anyway, but it might be fun to give it a whirl. At first I wasn't sure what I would blog about, but then I remembered this thing I started doing back in November. It's like a diary, only not as personal and instead of writing I type it. Actualy, I wish my real diary was on the computer because writing a lot hurts my hand.

But I digress...I'm starting with an entry from back in November because...well, that's the beginning. I prefer to begin at the begining.

Dear Diary, November 29, 2010

(Pointless Questions?)

Why do things turn out like they do? Only God knows. Isn’t it weird that we ask questions that we already know the answer to? We ask them inside and sometimes out and although the answer is in our heads we still search for it. Or maybe we know the real answer and aren’t satisfied. Perhaps we are merely searching for some other truth which may satisfy what we truly want; not truth, but to appease ourselves.

(Blessings and Tears at Christmastime)

I’m listening to “Christmas Makes Me Cry” by Mandisa. When they talked about people who have lost loved ones and the soldiers, the man says, “and I wonder why it’s them instead of me.” It really did make me cry. I wonder that. My heart breaks just thinking about those men and women spending this season out there away from their families. Some of them have children; little ones. Some of them have wives or husbands. And they’ll be apart this Christmas. Some of them may never even see each other again and they won’t have this last Christmas together.

So yeah, sometimes Christmas makes me cry too, but it’s like with the song: “Tears of thankfulness, tears of hope”. I thank God that my Daddy isn’t out there, I thank God for those people out there fighting for my freedom, and I cry because I know they must be hurting and I have it so dang good.

(Isaiah 55: Promises)

For school today I had to read Isaiah 55. Verse 8 is well known. I usually hear it when people are talking about prayers “unanswered” (quotation marks because technically every prayer is answered, just not always the answer you want), more specifically about lost loved-ones. It says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.

But I think that the following verse should always accompany verse 8. If you give a grieving woman who’s just lost her husband regardless of her ceaseless prayers this verse and say, “Hey, God says He just doesn’t think like you.” Then you’ll probably walk away with a bloody nose. Verse 9 cushions the blow of 8: “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” God doesn’t tell you a startling and unsettling truth and then leave you hanging. He gives you a promise and a blessing as well, to let you know that whatever He does He loves you and it will all work out for the better.

(Afraid of Death)

Why am I afraid of death? I can tell you; because I’m afraid of heaven. Be it a sin then may God forgive me and help me see the light, but it’s true. I’m afraid of dying and spending eternity in one place. The wiser part of me knows that it’s just because heaven is an unknown and my mortal, human, corrupt (I sound like a really nice person, huh?) mind can’t comprehend the magnificence of it. Still…During my Youth Bible Study with…Paul Tripp I think it was, Mr. Tripp described heaven as an original Rembrandt that he wanted to see at the museum but could only see one dark corner for the many people who were also looking at it. On earth we can only see one shady little corner of heaven; imagine what the full “painting” will look like?

On the other hand…well, I love God. He has blessed me so much and even brought me to tears a number of times; a feat not easily acquired. But to even begin to think about spending all of eternity praising Him…well I just don’t know if that sounds all that great. People talk about how the “streets will be paved in gold” and people will be able to “walk again and feel no pain”. Well have they thought that there won’t be any physical things in heaven: no elements like gold, no feet to walk on, no bodies to feel pain. Lots of people, deformed, decrepit people, may have the consolation that in heaven they will be made beautiful or something. What is beautiful? If our “bodies are temples” and we’re going to leave them then we won’t have them in heaven. So we won’t have eyes to see and beauty as we know the definition is something pleasing to the eye, pretty much. Maybe in heaven the true definition of beauty is perfection and pleasure. Like a good laugh: 100% pure and full of bubbling, seemingly endless joy. Perhaps in heaven that joy will be endless. I’ve wished I could just laugh forever. Maybe, and I say maybe because I’m just musing here, the true beauty of things will be completely revealed and it will be so wonderful that its’ magnitude will never fade. Like love. Love must be the greatest piece of heaven we can see on earth. It is bubbly, full of endless joy. It never fades or goes away, if it is true. Yes, I think that’s right. 1 Corinthians 13 gives the most clear unperturbed definition of love ever. Verses 4 to 7 describes love. Verse 8 says simply, “Love never fails”.

Oh, and check this out. The rest of 8: "But where there are prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part (in part may mean part of what we know about…what we can know about well, heaven. Or God.), but (get this part) when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears." Then he gives the analogy of being a child and thinking about simple things and then growing up, you learn adult things; like a revelation to greater things. How ironic that he gives this description of what it’ll be like in heaven in the “love chapter”. Sounds like my ideas weren’t too far off track then! Love is it. Love is in all things, it holds all things together, and it keeps everything going whether we realize it or not.

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Gosh, that was a long post! Hope at least someone was able to understand all that. :)