You Don't Know Me

Dear Diary, 28 January 2012

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You don't know me, You don't even care...

You don't know me

You don't even care

...

You don't know me

You don't wear my chains.

("Boston" by Augustana)

As a teenage girl, I often struggle with self-worth. The opinions of other people dictate my actions and my view of myself far too often.

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The other day, I wrote a song! Not too brilliant, I am afraid. It does need some work, but it felt good to write something that I could have on my mind all day long.  It’s a bit sad, unfortunately, due to the fact that others can influence my life so much, and not in a positive way. That is primarily why I wrote this song. Here goes.

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Introspection Monologue (← title needs work)

Yesterday’s friends have come and gone and left the table empty.

No use looking for a glance where she knows she won’t find any.

The piercing shouts from a silent tongue; The regret from a recipe half done.

Was there something she had said? Cause her heart is lying dead on the floor, it’s saying

Who am I now? Who am I now?

I was trying to find me, somewhere in this vast sea,

But all I’ve done is lose everything

So who am I now?

She makes her way to the lunch room table, sits as well as she is able.

No way to fight the hope, everything is on the ropes.

“Maybe I will crash and burn.” But without a price you cannot learn.

It’s not her time to choose, but she’s the one who’ll lose.

And she’ll say

Who am I now? Who am I now?

I was trying to find me, somewhere in this vast sea,

But all I’ve done is lose everything

So who am I now?

There’s nothing else to do but to tip your hand.

No where you want to go but backward.

Things they don’t get easier,

But it’s us who write these chapters.

Who am I now? Who am I now?

I was trying to find me, and though I came up empty,

It’s the fight that will make me who I am.

kazuaka.deviantart.com

Indeed, it’s not extremely inventive, but it expresses its purpose well enough. People can make me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m lacking in some way. They can make me feel bad for being quiet and less outgoing. It’s not all them, either. Part of it is me being jealous of their extroverted nature. However, my worth is not tied to anything earthly. Not even non-Christians’ opinion of me. Yes, it is important to live a life that gives glory to God, but this is not tied to my self-worth.

Man was made in the image of God, as indicated in Genesis 1 and in the verse “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.” (James 3:9) So, who we are is completely tied to who God is. Actually, we only discover who we really are when we discover who God really is. “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

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OK, lemme try and remember my Sunday School catechism…the chief purpose of man is? To glorify God and enjoy Him forever. “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31) So my whole being, my entire life, is all about Christ! I was built and created, in every way from my physique to my soul, to compliment the Savior of the universe. Amazing.

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Today in my Health on Monday, the guest speaker illustrated our relationship with God as divided by communicable and incommunicable attributes, with holiness in the middle. We’re called to holiness by God, and He assumes some attributes that we can never attain, like sovereignty, omnipotence, perfection, goodness, infinite, and the roles of Redeemer and Father. However, we are made in His image. What does that mean? Well, it means that I am physically like God, for one, but that’s not the biggest thing. I was given, like Adam at the creation of the earth, attributes that previously only God assumed. These include joyfulness, lovingness, the ability to be personal, trustworthy, an encourager, a friend, and the biggest thing that separates us from every other creature on the planet, creativity!

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“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking, and envying each other.”

Galatians 5: 22-26

Anything that gets in between these attributes, that messes with our image of ourselves as made in God’s image, that is when I get messed up. When I start doubting my ability to be a good friend, then my friendship suffers and conceit and envy have ground to creep in. When I cannot trust myself, then I cannot trust others. It is a cycle begins with a distancing from God.

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“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers.”

Romans 8:28-29

The Fall corrupted our image of God – Jesus came to fix it. He is in the process of making us to be like Him by His living for, in, and through us.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, what matters is what God thinks about me. And He loves me! He loves me because His Son died a terrible death so He could stand between me and judgment and say “Not this one…I’ve got this one”. How incredibly sobering and humbling. It makes me filled with such intense gratitude, I easily want to live my entire life for Him. Who I am in Jesus is the single most important thing in my life. I don’t need self-confidence, I have “God confidence”, as the speaker said.

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 I discover who I am only when I discover who God is. I am a reflection of the Father. It’s time to “throw our mirrors down”, as the Tenth Avenue North song says. Turn away from what I see in the bathroom mirror every morning and embrace who I am inside, where God is and where He sees the depths of my heart. “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 6:7)

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Too Many Blogs

It has been a bit difficult keeping up with my many blogs, so I think I'm going to consolidate them into a single blog. The three other blogs I monitor consist of music, songs, and lyrics; books and quotes; and Bible verses. If I designate one of these subjects for a different day of the week, I can still include the same content, just in a concentrated location.

This blog will remain, regardless of my decision.

Thanks.

An Utterly Lengthy Piece on Food

Dear Diary, 22 January 2012

An Utterly Lengthy Piece on Food

I do such long posts, don't I?

Food sustains us by giving us nutrients. The taste excites our senses, effecting our emotions and our physical wellbeing. It can invigorate or discourage, indulge or tantalize, liberate or oppress. Perhaps you haven’t thought of food in these terms, but if you think about it all these descriptions are true.

Personally, I think food is wonderful. Such an endless number of combinations, spices, seasonings, grains, fruits, breads, and yes, even vegetables. God gave us food that was good to eat, and He expects for us to enjoy it.

Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world where McDonald’s Big Macs reign supreme. A jumbo Diet Coke, a super-sized order of fries, and not a second thought. So many foods taste really good, but if we look at the statistics, and the biology, we know those foods aren’t good for our bodies. What are we supposed to say “yes” to, and what should we avoid?

The Bible talks a lot about people who pig out, who never have enough. While this could be synonymous for a greedy person who harbors money, possessions, and emotions like food, it can also mean someone who uses food to fill some part of their life that is lacking. This isn’t right! God needs to be the one to fill all those cracks. He’s actually the only one who can. Trying to compensate with anything else will only result in discouragement and a bad stomachache.

I’m guilty of this, though. I tend to eat a lot, especially when I’m under a lot of stress. “My History class is really driving me up the walls…where’s that candy bar I saved from Christmas?” Eating seems to make everything better…at the time. This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time, but more than usual during the last six months. I think it is the deluge of new responsibilities, and the forebodings of more to come, that has increased this negative habit. For a moment, I can escape with food. I can feel really good while I’m eating it and easily dismiss the fact that it’s probably hardening my arteries and encouraging some terrible disease I’ll experience in the future.

The thing is, this isn’t only a bad habit, this is a sin. Because looking beyond the face value, looking beyond the deliciousness of that extra slice of cake, it’s really not about the food. It’s about dissatisfaction. I’ve thought a lot about this subject before, but it’s so important. It seems life roads keep bringing me back to that crucial word. The question isn’t “Can I spare the calories?”, it’s really “Why am I not going to God with this?”

Upon closer analysis, I can always find that there is some ulterior reason for my wanting to pig out. I could be going through a really stressful time full of confusing decisions or overloads of schoolwork. Suzanna Collins describes days like this as “hollow days” in the Hunger Games. Days when you just feel hollow, like you can never eat enough. Worrying can instigate overindulgence as well. Again, because food can be such a sweet escape (and I mean that literally!).

God doesn’t want our life to be bland, filled with celery sticks and raw broccoli stems. He describes Christians as “salt of the earth”. Salt gives flavor, it excites! That’s what He wants for us. But He also wants us to go to Him before we go t the food. I love Luke 12…I go to it a lot because it’s such good stuff! But verses 29 through 31 say:

“And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.”

A few of the miracles Jesus performed involved giving people food. Banquets were festive occasions of fellowship and friendship in those days, and to this day eating is more than just a meal in the many cultures. “Food brings people together”, I once heard.

God gave us food so that we could always remember that He sustains us. At least three times a day, the growling of my stomach reminds me that I have needs that I can’t fill on my own. “Don’t worry about it”, God says. He will take care of me so long as I depend on Him. Being satisfied by God in what I eat will not only save me something else to worry about, it will also benefit my body.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

1 Corinthians 10:31

“I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let Your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, will eternal pleasures at Your right hand.”

Psalm 16:8-11

Changes...Yeah, OK, I'm Fickle

OK, here's the thing...I have been searching for a blog layout that was totally me: one that expresses the things I like, love, and otherwise cannot live without. It's hard to put all that into a layout, as I have found. So I've changed my blog's name NUMEROUS times...probably not many people have noticed, but that's OK. Cuz really, it's for me. If I wanted to please everyone else I would just put some default layout in there that Blogger put together. Trees...they make me sigh, audibly and inaudibly. When I found this background, I knew it was time for YET ANOTHER CHANGE! "One Star In My Sky" was a picturesque name, and I still like it, but I think "Beyond the Trees" is better. For now, anyway. There's no telling what I'll do next time!
Thanks for bearing with me, my devoted reader. Hope you like the changes, and if you don't...well...I'm not really sure what then.

Have an amazingly fulfilled day!

Love TradingYesterdays

"Insecure, You've Lost My Way Again..."

Dear Diary, 16 January 2012


Insecure, you've lost my way again...


You danced upon the mirror glass on the floor
When the sky was falling.
Where's you go, my curious?
Insecure, you've lost my way again.


I tried so hard 
To reflect their hearts
And show them that I'm stronger
And now I run.
("Photograph" by Shiny Toy Guns)


I let fear rule me.


It abounds, feeding on self-doubts and the dismissive glances of others. It divides me, both from others and within myself. I am only whole when I am fully embracing my existence in God, the way He thinks of me, with no fear. In blissful ignorance of other people - they are irrelevant compared to such majesty.


I can love them, Lord, because You ask me to, but how can I like them? How, when they prompt the tears in my eyes so often? Maybe I don't always let those tears show, but even if they don't slide don't my face, they bleed from my heart, silent testaments to the hurt I don't let show. How, when they seem to be the ones keeping me at arms length?


I am afraid to give myself completely God in worship because of my fear of others. I don't want those glances, those whispers, those snickers. I know they exist because I myself dole them out. On my own, I am lost. With God's help alone can I realize that He is the one to whom I should first seek approval, not these caprice mortals. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matt 6:33) Seek Him first, with all my heart, at all times!


Fellow believers are vital to the cultivation of a thriving spiritual life, of that I am certain. However, I am doubting whether those individuals have to come from my church. Church is supposed to be the place you feel the most free, the most relaxed. To a degree, that is true. In church, I feel closer to God than I usually do at other times. The fellowship aspect, however, is far from the most fulfilling relationships I have. I think perhaps God is trying to teach my something...well, actually I'm quite certain this is what He is doing, what He is always doing. But specifically, I think He is bringing me closer to Him and showing me that I need to break from the tendency to obsess over other people's thoughts about me. I know I worry about what other people think far too often.


This doesn't meant that outside the church circle, my social life is golden. Ha! I must laugh at that. By no means. I am extremely blessed to have a handful of very close friends, friends I can count on to always be there when I need them. A lot of the time, unfortunately, old-friendship ties and my reticent propensities keep me from branching out. It's really annoying! To see someone, to listen to them often, joking and talking about things, and to know that if they could just get to know you a little bit, you would be good friends. But the problem lies in the initial "getting to know you" part. I'm terrible at initiating friendships, and most often they don't stick when I do. I've gotten lucky a few times...really lucky. Of course, that's just Christ at work in my life, and not myself.


But, it's not all about me. I need to think outside my little "me" box.


"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God." Ephesians 2:8


"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Colossians 3:2

Two Izzies in a Shopping Cart

Dear Diary, 7 January 2012

I love this picture.What these two Izzie bottles are telling us is that on the outside, two people can look very similar. On the inside, however, they are both undeniably unique. Contrary to their differences, though, together, they compliment one another in quiet and simple beauty.

Together, they are a picture of friendship.

A Kiss From God

Dear Diary, 29 December 2011

Such a dry year we have had. Today, the sight of our yard brimming with full, green grass brought such happiness to my heart! It is a reminder that the Lord always remembers even lowly little me in every faction of my life.


Especially Luke 12, so many places in the Bible that God implicitly says I am not forgotten.
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 
Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!"
Luke 12:25-31


Yes, I do have little faith. I worry all the time, about getting stuff done, about taking care of myself, about doing well in school. It's easy for me to pass up a chance to spend time with God. I mean quality time, too. Not a quick John 3:16 review, but real, personal sit-down-and-talk time. Mornings are best, or so I hear, for devotional time, but I prefer nighttime. In the morning, I'm so rushed to get the day rolling, I tend to skim through Bible-reading and the like. At night, on the other hand, I am much more at ease. Hours easily pass by as I pour over the Word. Such good secrets in there! I love Deuteronomy 29:29 ("The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.") and Ecclesiastes 3:11 ("He has made everything beautiful in its time. he has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.")


Not sure why, but hearing these little hints at the bigger picture, that God is so much greater and so much more amazing and majestic than we can possibly imagine, I feel safer. Knowing that I am placing my being in the most capable - in actuality, the only capable - hands.


Still, it requires a daily commitment to pursue a relationship with God, as *James 1:22-25 literates. "But seek first His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well-." (Luke 12:31). Putting myself completely at His mercy is relieving and not a burden. In *Matthew 11:28-29, Jesus bluntly says that our burdens aren't too much for Him. Just let it go! That's all I need to do, is let it go. Why is this so hard? Answer: Because I'm a sinner, always trying to do things on my own without asking for help. *sigh* Life isn't easy.


So maybe it isn't easy, but it sure is beautiful. I don't need an angel named Clarence to see that. Nature is teeming with exclamations of God's majesty! They're like kisses from God, coming right when we need them, to brighten up our day. When I can truly appreciate the little things that are so beautiful, then I know God is working in me, right then, at that very moment.

The rooftop is my sanctuary, this earring one of my favorites with its simple beauty.

*"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does."

James 1:22-25

Fog, thick and heavy, descends on my neighborhood like a blanket.

The sun embraces the green grass...oh, so pretty!

*"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30