The Process of being Human

Two weeks ago today, I was standing on the other side of a door wearing a white dress, holding a bouquet, and wanting so badly to peek through the blinds to see my fiance standing at the other end of the aisle. 

Oh the adrenaline. Thankfully, I successfully walked down the aisle, under the gaze of 200 or so guests, without incident to meet the man who would soon become my husband. 

Jana Kay Photography

What a picture of beauty and perfection. Even with all of the little things that went wrong, no one could look at our wedding, at our union, and say that it was not a pleasing and good thing. God's will is always pleasing, good, and perfect (Rom. 12:2). On that day, I could feel God's mercy radiating down on me like never before, making me the happiest bride there ever was. :)

Fast forward two weeks.

People ask me how it feels to be married now... I tell them it is wonderful, and it is! Ryan and I sharpen one another, as  Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." In my last post, "Perfect Love", I talked about how unperfect we both are, and how the Lord uses that to continually make us more like Him.

Jana Kay Photography

This is a process that will endure until the day that we die. As Philippians 1:6 reads, "...[be] confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completiong until the day of Christ Jesus."

The trap is forgetting that this is an ongoing process. Unfortunately I didn't wake up the day after getting married to realize, "Oh my goodness, now I am the perfect wife!" Instead, what I have found is that I am completely and utterly HUMAN! And thus incapable of such perfection.
Well rats.

Wrong. I need to remember that it is a process that requires first transformation by the Lord and second continual renewing by the Holy Spirit. Messing up doesn't mean I have failed, it is merely a reminder that He who began a good work in me is still working on me! Thank God there is hope for me when I turn making spaghetti dinner into a three hour process!!

source

Romans 12:2: "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will."

Patterns of this world =  relying on myself to meet my needs. My needs are basically summed up by Genesis 3:16, "'...Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'" I want Ryan to be happy. I want him to come home from work every day to a clean apartment, a delicious dinner, and a flawless wife, but I'm not perfect. (This is a shocker, I know.) I have to realize that Ryan's love for me, because it is grounded in Christ, will never fail, just as God's love and mercy never fail.

Saint Augustine beautifully explained it in these words, "Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it find its rest in thee." I can't be the perfect wife. I can't always be good or pleasing to Ryan. But both of us are constantly in the process of being renewed by the Holy Spirit, and because of that, we can find rest for our restless hearts. ♥

Jana Kay Photography

Perfect Love

My goodness, how life can change in the blink of an eye.

It seems that it was just a couple months ago that I was weeping over my heart being broken by a silly boy who I had crushed on for about three years. I can still remember the day I met my friend, Jessy, but I can't exactly remember the first time I met her brother. Back then I never saw what was coming, but everything has been such a beautiful picture of how God's plan for our lives is so far superior to our own.

On May 2nd, my boyfriend of then ten months, asked me a very important question. 

The past year has been a whirlwind in which I have had to hold on tightly to God's word and His promises at all times. Like those old merry-go-rounds at the park where someone would spin you and you'd have to hang on for dear life, if I let go for just one moment and decide to lean on my own wisdom (apart from God's), the result would be a painful landing and a stabbing regret.

As much as this falling sucks, it is the most vivid example of how deeply we need a Savior. Before we even started dating, Ryan and I were strong Christians, but this relationship thing has shown us that we knew nothing! How humbling is that?? 

We make each other the most angry and the most happy; we are the cause of the most joy and the most pain for one another; we have to come togther but keep God as the center or else we have nothing to hold us together. Love is a kind of paradox that makes no sense unless you look at it through the eyes of Jesus.

There are times when being engaged is the scariest thing in the world. There is this other person for whom you will soon be responsible, to love, to care, to feed, to give shelter...

1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." This verse causes a lump to rise in my throat because it strikes so close to home.

It is very true that there is no fear in love, but it is also true that perfect love cannot derrive from anything I can create. Perfect love can only come from one place, as anything perfect ever can. The only way to find this perfect love is to go to your knees.

Ryan likes for us to pray together on our knees, and as strange as it was to me at first, I now see that it is engaging your entire body in a posture that asks for grace and mercy. A begging position. That is what we are, after all. Beggars.

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust. You are making me new." Those words from the Gungor song are so true. The dust that is our lives is made new by the Lord when we ask Him for grace and forgiveness. 

It is only through this perfect love that Ryan and I can experience no fear in our relationship, and that is not by anything that he or I have done, but it has everything to do with how great a God we have!

"In the Beginning"

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty,; darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."

So it begins.

Ever notice how the Bible starts? It doesn't begin with "In the beginning, there was nothing but God." It doesn't say that because nothing is something - nothing means the absence of something, and there was no absence of anything before the world was created. It was just God, and that was all that need be.

But then God decided to create something out of the lack of nothing. He chose to make something that did not need to be made, something that could only add to the existence of Himself. He made the world. He made us, you, me, that weird neighbor with all the cats, the coworker who is never to work on time.

Why?

What a question. There was a reason that God decided to make mankind, and it wasn't because He was bored. After creating the world and the animals, He said "This is good." When He got to man, He made him in his own image: the image of God, the creator, the one who was, is, and is to come because He never ends! What an amazing thing... To think that you are the image of the Lord.

It was completely intentional and practical. The world needed a caretaker, and the only one fit for the job was someone who could do the job that God does. Of course not to the same extent, but man was told to "be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground." God gave us everything, and He told us to take care of it.

Some days are rough and it feels like life is falling apart, but then there are those little things that make life spring up inside you. Like a small plant bursting through the soil towards the sunlight, these small things are reminders that we are to take care of what we have because we have been given it to care for. When blessed with so much beauty, the least we can do is take the responsibility of nurturing it. ♥

Just Temporary Bliss?

Today on Pandora, I heard a song called "Temporary Bliss". As I listened to The Cab singing away, I noticed how profound the lyrics were. The song, while not the best pop song ever written, had a meaningful and deeply penetrating message. When I stopped to think about what the songwriter had meant and what the singer must feel, I was moved almost to tears. Not because it was a romantic song, but because it this song clearly conveys the use it and throw away mentality that we use in relationships today and the very real hurt that results from such a relationship.

"I can't keep touchin' you like this

If it's just temporary bliss

Just temporary bliss"

Anybody who knows how guys think will know that physical touch is a profoundly meaningful thing. One touch can set a guy off. Actually, you don't even have to touch a guy to make him want a girl. But these lyrics tell of the meaning behind that initial physical desire. Besides the yearning for physical intimacy, guys want to know that this love is real and that it is forever.

The poor guy singing this song is trapped in love with a girl who he is begging to give him some ounce of reassurance. "Tell me what's the point of doin' this every night? What you're givin' me is nothin' but a heartless lullaby." This song is heartbreaking - we want the sweet guy singing to his girl to find love and to find it forever. Why?

It's interesting that this song was written by a bunch of guys. The Cab and The Messenger (who co-wrote) collaborated to create this song from the deepest part of man's soul. While society and popular culture will make you think that guys only want one thing, have we ever stopped to wonder why that may be? Is it truly wrong for a man to want a woman and to keep wanting her day after day? Maybe there is something deeper at work here than sex and romance. Maybe people were made to be together every day, and I mean in all ways, emotionally, socially, physically, spiritually.

It's evident that woman feel the same way. Look at any romance film, read a cheesy love novel, or find a teenage girl to pour her heart out to you. Because girls express themselves more openly, they are often willing to admit that they want a love that will last forever and that will bring them fulfillment. The Indigo Girls sang, "And the closer I'm bound in love to you, the closer I am to free." Check Rihanna's song "Only Girl (In the World)":

"I want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world

Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love

Like I'm the only one who knows your heart 

Only girl in the world."

Hmmmm, this is sounding an awful lot like what Paul wrote about in Ephesians: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." (Talk about I'll catch a grenade for ya). On the other hand, a little bit before the part on husbands, it says, "Wives, submit yourrselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord."

Now settle down there, ladies, that doesn't mean we are slaves to our husbands or boyfriends. It means that men require respect, honor, and obedience (recognition that they are authorities and sources of strength and support). It's how they are made, and in order for any relationship to work out, these two components (wives loved, husbands respected) has to be occurring. Eminem's song "25 to Life" bluntly conveys the heart of a man (I've edited out the explatives), "Look at how I dress, baggy sweats, go to work a mess - always in a rush to get back to you. I aint heard you yet, not even once, say you appreciate me. I deserve respect." Now maybe Mr. Marshall Mathers is missing the "love your wives" part, but he is honestly expressing the male desire to be respected and seen as an authority.

This isn't a cultural thing either. In a Psychology Today article, it says that "Ratings of passion were higher in American than Chinese couples, but rating of intimacy and commitment did no differ." Ancient literature contains countless stories of gods, goddesses, heroes, warriors, vikings, and other types of individuals who declare war, fight, steal, pillage, and kill all because of a love wronged. I don't know about you, but to me it's looks like we're missing something here, folks.

 Psalm 139 says "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thought from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways." I'm not sure that Eminem would read these words and let them go to heart, but they are truly getting to the crux of what he and everyone else in this world wants: to be loved. To be loved, and for that love to last forever.

Risk

"If there were a choice - and he suspected there was - a choice between, on the one hand, the heights and the depths and, on the other hand, some sort of safe, cautious middle way, he, for one, here and now chose the heights and the depths."
-A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken

Not long ago, my brother and I and some of our friends were walking on a bike trail. The trail runs along a creek, and some of the trees grow so that their branches hang over the water below. This particular time, the water level was not too high. We came upon a tree with a good sized branch arching over, and the temptation was too great. I climbed up on it and inched further and further out on the limb. My brother anxiously cautioned me all the way, and the further I went, the more worried he became that I would fall. Naturally, being older, I did not intend to listen to him, but his doubts shook my own confidence. Looking at the tree branch, if I went further I would have the victorious satisfaction of having climbed nearly over the entire creek. Of course, there was also the possibility that my brother's fears would be realized, and I would fall to an embarrassing and painful injury. There was risk, and I had to weigh the possible gain with the possible consequences.

Risk. My mother, famous for her proverbs, always told us, "If you doubt, don't." That seems simple enough. What she failed to explain to us, however, is that so much of life is uncertain. Doubt does not only occur when I encounter a crossroads. Sometimes it is not a one-or-the-other decision, but a vague sense of doubt which I cannot exactly define.

Living life trying to do the right thing sometimes ends up feeling like a track runner going around and around in a circle without any breaks. After awhile, the runner realizes that he has broken his own record countless times. What purpose is there to keep going? The track doesn't seem to lead anywhere per se. This is a life without risk.

And it is like writing a book. I don't know if you have ever tried to sit down and put together a masterpiece, but the more into a plot you go (or at least it is this way for me), the more complicated it becomes. There are infinite possibilities, but you feel there is only one way for you to make this perfect. One way in which it all goes together. This is a life with too much risk to choose from.

These two things, a sense of monotony and of finding the one right way to behave, drive me to fear risk. Risk is the variable you never calculate. Risk is the possibility that you could fail or you could win the lottery. Most of the time, I avoid risk. It seems an unnecessary gamble to trifle with. But surprisingly, I have found that avoiding risk does not reduce doubt. In fact, many instances show the opposite to be true, that doubt increases as risk decreases.

Black and white may exist in pictures or in old movies or on checkerboards, but rarely is it evident in making decisions. Or maybe it is, but we are too distracted by the colors of our world to realize it. I am always so concerned with making the right decision, that when a decision is made, I often have a lingering sense of doubt. Did I make the right decision? Should I have chosen black this time, or was white the better choice? I fail to realize that a lot of the time, good comes with bad. I will not always make the right decision, but that does not mean that I should be wary of every choice I do make. The world will keep on turning if I blow it, and walking on eggshells and avoiding risks will not guarantee a "safe" life. What it will guarantee is a lot of emotional taxation and monotonous living. Yes, a decision can have disastrous results because a risk, prudent or imprudent, was taken, but the ultimate outcome, however, is out of our control.

Genesis tells the well-known story of Joseph's brothers selling him to merchants (an obvious lapse in judgement on their part) and of his eventual and amazing rise to power in a strange land that he had entered as a piece of property. Years after Joseph reveals his true identity to his brothers, they are still haunted by the decision they had made against him. After their father's death, the brothers feared Joseph's wrath which they felt they justly deserved. I am always staggered Joseph's humble and blunt response to them: "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." How incredible for Joseph to be drawn to a place where he could offer up such a horrible decision and look upon it with thankfulness and gladness.

Joseph did not fear making a wrong decision because he was confident that the Lord would use it all for His purpose. In Dante's Inferno, he rightly says, "A man must stand in fear of just those things that truly have the power to do us harm, of nothing else, for nothing else is fearsome." Nothing else is fearsome but the things that have the power to do us harm. How true and yet how often we forget? I forget that there is only a force of darkness unable to be overcome that must be feared, and that darkness does not exist because it has already been defeated. Isaiah 43:1 says "But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel; 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.'"

If there is risk, if it is thought through carefully and not taken by whimsical or carnal desires, then I believe it is right to be taken. For nothing in life is certain but the love of God, and nothing need be feared when that law is at work for all eternity.

Of Time

"...I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all of your breath trying to conquer it." - William Faulkner

Time. 
The only thing that can take forever and yet go as slowly as the drip on a leaky faucet. Seems as though Time is a frequent foe of mine, always trying to wrestle with my thoughts, choking or tantalizing my desires. Some moments, I wish Time would let me be. That I could escape to some small wrinkle in the universe where I could stand outside Time's grasp and see things from a perspective that isn't under its heavy influence. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but right now I feel it is keeping them from healing. Scabs try to grow, and then Time rips them off again. 

Thoughts are strange things... So potent for either good or evil. Discipline and routine help keep thoughts in line, but Time may put thoughts into a nonsensical loop. An idea you had weeks ago might suddenly appear in your brain without any rabbit-trail to be seen. A thrill at some past event might race down your spine for no reason at all. Why does Time choose to touch us when we aren't giving thought to it at all?

The chief weapon of Time, I think, is temptation. It is tempting to want to conquer time, as Faulkner said. How many breaths have I wasted in attempting this futile task of wrestling with Time? As a Gold Motel's song goes, "I don't want to waste my time standing in a waiting line." Waiting requires the expenditure of diligence and patience, but the curious reality is that it also fosters those virtues as well. This said, to "conquer" Time, in a sense, the opposite effort must be put forth. To resist the urge to succumb to "what ifs," to keep from grabbing at those no-where thoughts and running with them. Holding onto a thread of something that should never have been resurfaced can be a dangerous, futile thing. Time sets forth the temptation to conquer itself, therefore the act of conquering it may be accomplished by laying down one's guns so to speak and resisting the fight.

I am speaking of Time as an ambiguous entity. True, Time is not a grandfatherly figure holding a large clock beyond the clouds. In many aspects, the person of Time may be closely related to God, who is both beyond time and deeply involved with it. On the opposite side of the spectrum, Time, in a temptation sort of way, may be recognized as the Devil. These analogies fail, however, when moving to the "solution" side of things.

God put Time into motion. He knows where it began and where it will end and all the small puzzle pieces we call our lives in between. Incredible. This is where God is not exactly Time, for Time is finite while God is infinite. In the Bible, God provides resources for combating our sinful desires (the Devil aspect of Time). It is this trait of Time, to sneak up on us with small nudges in one direction or another, that resembles the work of the Devil.  CS Lewis' famous character Screwtape said, “It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out.” By merely forgetting the weapons we have been given for fighting back sinful desires, the Devil can wage war within the heart of even the most devout believer. 

The Lord knows that we have trouble with this struggle, the struggle of bending Time to our wills. That's why Paul wrote in Romans, "It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." (9:16). Our desires often lean towards controlling the world around us, but this isn't a war we are to fight on our own. When a conflict exists within ourselves, it's easy to feel alone in it. Each battle is a weary one in which you destroy yourself. What Paul wanted us to realize though is that we are not alone. In fact, it is not by our works or merit at all but by the Lord's mercy. Micah, a country boy from a small village near Jerusalem, was charged with the task of foretelling Israel the consequences of their deviant behavior towards God. Near the end of his book, he cries out, "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." With your God. 

We are not meant to fight this battle against Time alone. In fact, we aren't meant to fight it at all. Time is the Lord's, and He decides when it will build up nations and when it will bring them down. He decides what Time will do for me, and only be relying on that fact will I be released for the tyranny of Time's endlessness. If God is outside of Time, and God is inside of me, then there is a part of me that has the propensity to overcome Time. But I can't do it alone. Never alone.

Inspired

Start writing no matter what.

The water does not run until the faucet is turned on.

-Louis L'Amour

Where does inspiration come from?

I have been wondering that myself lately because frankly I have not felt the zap of lightning that we often call inspiration. To be inspired is to be filled with an irrepressible urge to do something. Not something we can control, we are left to sit around idly, waiting, praying for inspiration to come to us.

Is it possible that we are wrong?

Could inspiration be something that meets us half way? My music teacher told me something his uncle had told to him on the subject of writing. "How do I know I'm a writer?" Was the question. "Simple," was the answer, "I write."

Simple, yes, but not any less significant. To be a writer is to write. Does that mean that everything is going to be infused with wisdom and laced with allusions, parallels, metaphors that will provide the reader with understanding beyond his wildest dreams? No, indeed not. In fact, to be a writer is to, at times, fail utterly. To produce words that trail after one another like a preschool line-up, unregimented, unorganized, and barely recognizable as a line. Only sometimes, however.

Anything worth doing is worth failing at time and time again before the results start to look like something you enjoy. A painter does not stand in front of a canvass every day creating a masterpiece before turning in each night. It takes many canvasses, many do-overs, and many mistakes before the most beautiful creations surface.

Why is it so hard to think of writing this way? Perhaps because writing is not mere art, it is direct communication. It is easy to identify writing that is faulty because the words practically scream at you from the page. They are merciless. They want to be satisfied, and they are very verbal when they are not.

Regardless, it takes mistakes.Without writing, like would be a blank page. Inspiration is the rush of energy we get from drinking in the world around us. What better a place to receive inspiration than from the very words for which we desire to use this inspiration! Write. Never stop. Do it every day, and don't let yourself skip. It may seem meaningless, but let the words come. They may seem intimidating, but they know themselves, and you know them better than you realize. Allow them to fall into place as they will.

Inspiration will come to those who write. ♥